My Adoption Story
Back to College for a Day, Harvest Home, my adoption story, A Window Between Worlds, Gali Rotstein
Here’s a blog post I wrote back in October 20007 which was a better time for my relationship with the adoptive couple, but also a recollection of some of my more painful experiences while pregnant and waiting for the adoption to take place. I also wrote this when I was very happy running my PR & Marketing firm.
Here’s an example of some of those thoughts.
Yesterday was very serendipitous to say the least. I did more media relations for Back to College for A Day –which is coming along nicely, thank you for asking. The Washington Post reporter I pitched today found my press release very interesting, but was hoping for a more local angle.
I’m hoping she’ll see this as a national trend and pick up the story regardless of the fact this educational program takes place on the West Coast. The courses offered in Audrey’s program are perfect for that paper – politics, law, health, media.
I’ve hit a number of newspapers and online calendar listings which should help generate interest. We’ve also decided to allow people to sign up for individual seminars in case you can’t stay for the entire day.
Here’s the info again in case you’ve missed it taken from my posting on Experience LA: Back to College For A Day
Admission: Special introductory rate of $125 covers four lectures, lunch and parking. Individual seminars available at $40 each includes parking.
Services: Lunch is included in the program fee Description: Back to College For A Day debuts Saturday, October 27, 2007 from 9:30am – 4:00pm at Mt. St. Mary’s College – Chalon campus located at 12001 Chalon Rd., Los Angeles, CA 90049.
Back To College For A Day features renowned speakers, compelling topics and like-minded people who share the joy of learning and want to enjoy a day of intellectual and social stimulation. Special introductory rate of $125 covers four lectures presented by well-respected professors from Pomona, UCLA, and Pitzer, lunch and parking. Individual seminars offered including parking for $40.00. Advance registration required.
Lectures include:
1) Bias in the Media: Are You Getting the Real Story? – Tim Groeling, UCLA. Winner of the Copenhaven Award for Teaching with Technology; Author of When Politicians Attack: Party Cohesion and the Media.
2) The Coming Pandemic: Why Influenza is a Major Threat – Ralph Robinson, UCLA. Nominated three times for the UCLA Luckman Distinguished Teaching Award for Outstanding Lecturer; Consultant on bioterrorism for KPCC’s “Life and Times” and other news broadcasts.
3) The U.S. Congress in the American Political System – David Menefee-Libey, Pomona College. Four-time recipient of Pomona’s Wig Distinguished Teaching Award; Author of The Triumph of Campaign-Centered Politics.
4) Police States Past and Present – Andre Wakefield, Pitzer College. Author The Disordered Police State.
For more information visit http://www.backtocollegeforaday.com or call (818) 704-4207
What’s really nice about working with Audrey is that she really respects my expertise and advice which is so refreshing. She gave me the biggest compliment today by telling me she found me highly ethical and honest which I take as a huge compliment because that is something I strive to be in all areas of my life.
It’s gotten me in trouble sometimes because sometimes it would be easier to lie, but I just find I’d rather take the fall-out by being honest than worry what I’ve said that’s incorrect down the road. It’s just a simpler, nicer way to live.
Okay, enough self-congratulations. What else was I going to say before I run out to my meeting. Actually, I can say audition since I’m not working with any actors right now and have finished my other client work. I think it’s fun to audition because it’s outside my normal realm, it gets me out of my head, and it’s fun to be using other sides of who I am.
I’m still a publicist first and foremost, but this is something I do because it brings me happiness. When it becomes work, then I’ll probably quit. What’s fun to realize is that a lot of billionaires have fun doing what they do too! Branson of Virgin Airlines builds businesses because it’s fun and challenging for him.
I feel the same way when I begin to work with a new client. I love the challenge of breaking them in to the media, establishing their brand, and making their press releases newsworthy. I love seeing my clients develop confidence as they see the results of our efforts together. I also love to see them move up in their careers or aspirations because of my help and guidance. Lastly, I love working as a team to see goals turn into fruition. That brings me a lot of pleasure.
So, as I was saying, yesterday, did some media relations work, went to an appointment and then met a friend for lunch over at Rose Cafe in Venice. I haven’t eaten there since 1999 or so and forgot how cute and cozy it is. The food is good too.
We caught up on what we’ve been doing in the year that we’ve seen each other and she’s just glowing with happiness at having found her true path in life as a Theta Healer/Teacher. (Sorry if that’s not accurate Moira, I’m in a rush and am not sure what your exact title is.) She’s like a whole new person she’s so happy! I’m happy for her too!
She’s moving so offered to introduce me to her landlord and gave me the address. When we parted I thought I’d drive by to see the place and see my old neighborhood, but got lost and never did see it. Just as well, I ended up driving by a building that houses A Window Between Worlds. This non-profit teaches women and children in battered women’s shelters art as a healing tool. They’re all over country now which is great!
I had volunteered there while pregnant and just had to see if they were still around. When I rang the bell, it was indeed the same place and they welcomed me to join them even though they were all at lunch.
Walking up the stairs to the main office area brought back a wave of emotions. I had volunteered there 9 years ago. It was there that I surrendered to the decision that since I couldn’t find a family I liked well enough to raise my son that maybe God wanted me to raise him myself. I would be a single parent.
It wasn’t what I wanted at all to do, but felt I had to just resign myself to that fate. The epiphany came while I had been participating as a “model” for A Window Between World’s TV news coverage they had arranged to showcase how the guided art programs are run and help women. All of sudden, during the demonstration I burst into tears and began sobbing.
It was like a huge dam had broken and all the sorrow, pain, and heartache of this entire pregnancy just came gushing forth. Cathy, the director, was very kind and gentle with me and lead me to a quiet place to journal my thoughts and feelings to gain composure. I don’t know if they ever ran that news cast or not, but I was amazed at how the art lesson had been so healing to me personally.
As I journaled I just turned over all my pain and confusion about my son and just accepted that God’s will might be for me to raise my son after all. At the time I didn’t know I was having a boy, but I did know I wanted my child to grow up with all the benefits of a two-parent, stable household which I didn’t feel I would be able to provide at that time.
Many women are single parents and I admire them. I just know for me, it wasn’t a path I was ready or able to travel down. That day, after surrendering my will to God’s will, I walked back to Harvest Home and there was a package waiting for me from the couple I would ultimately choose to adopt and raise my son.
All the women living in the maternity home with me were all involved in my search process by this time because I’d been looking for almost six months. When I opened the package, there was the soon-to-be adoptive couple’s application, lots of pictures, and a video they had created to introduce themselves to me.
All the women clamored for me to watch it so we gathered in the living room and began to watch together. I think that day I wished I had more privacy because everyone kept telling me this couples the one, they’re perfect for you. I didn’t want to believe it. I was prepared now to raise my child and now the idea of adoption seemed real scary.
However, I knew this couple was the one when I spoke to them both on the phone and they answered all my list of questions. And as a journalism minor in college, I had a long list of questions. I asked to speak to references and spoke to them too. I spoke to the adoptive mom’s family members.
I then called a very good friend at the time and asked her advice. She prayed with me and encouraged me to accept this as a reality. I knew it needed to be done, but it was hard now that it was so close to Eli being born.
I found this couple one month before Eli was born. It’s a miracle that they passed the home inspection in such a short time. That’s why when people are so amazed that celebrities seem to dash right through adoption issues, I know it can be done. The couple who adopted my son weren’t wealthy, just good people who would be loving, honest, caring parents.
I think people who judge adoptive parent’s suitability for this role can sense when the situation is right. God moves too! When I first began searching for adoptive parents, I sent letters out to all the adoptive agencies I knew around the country asking them for parents who would fit the criteria of what I was looking for.
When I had exhausted that route, I sent out letters to all my friends at various churches around the country asking them to refer good people to my attorney for consideration. It was through one of those letters that a couple attending my friend’s church in Texas remembered Amy & Jeff, my adoptive couple, from a Bible Study they had attended with them years back.
They contacted Amy and told her about me. She called Jeff who was doing military duty in Florida and said, “How’d you like to adopt a child?” Now they were content with being childless, but there was always a part of them that had wanted a child. They knew that when the time was right, God would bring them a child.
There was nothing physically wrong with either of them, they just weren’t able to conceive naturally. Rather than go through in vitro, they just waited on God. Jeff is a tall, handsome African-American man, and Amy is a petite, attractive blonde woman. I had had a vision of both of them (faceless, but their other physical characteristics very vivid in my head) when I was sending out letters around the country which I normally never have.
However, I do have very vivid dreams! This morning I dreamt that a very handsome, dark almost Italian looking man gave me the best bear hug ever when he saw me. It was hard to wake up after that dream!
Back to my story. Okay, so Amy and Jeff are contacted out of the blue to adopt a child they’ve never met and have never prepared for. That’s what is so amazing to me! There were so many couples I read their profiles whose whole lives revolved around wanting children in their lives. Amy & Jeff were content either way which I really liked that about them.
I didn’t want a couple who would idealize my child because that puts a lot of pressure on a child. I also wanted an inter-racial couple because I knew Eli would have an easier time of it if he didn’t feel even more out of place in a family that really didn’t look like him. What’s so weird is that Eli looks so much like Amy and Jeff people never even think to ask if he’s adopted which I think is great!
I really couldn’t ask for better adoptive parents. They’re secure in our relationship and their relationship with Eli. We get along really well. I love them and am so happy I found them. God is good!
That’s why going back to Harvest Home this past weekend and seeing what my life was like only 9 years ago; then finding A Window Between Worlds again after all the time; driving down my old street and looking for places there was so mind-blowing. It’s like God feels I’m ready to deal with all this emotion and can move beyond it now.
What was so interesting about visiting A Window Between Worlds yesterday is that the walls are covered with art and now I represent Gali Rotstein, a fine artist! Never in a million years would I ever have said my life would lead to art, but here I am.
I guess working with Gali is another way to heal because she appreciates and respects my work when some others haven’t in the past. That is important to me with the people I choose to work with. I need to feel like they will ultimately become friends because I look at each relationship in a long-term fashion and I only like working with friends!
I’ve tried working for people who don’t want to be friends and it’s just too disheartening and defeating. I can’t do it. My work is part of my life and my life is part of my work so it has to mesh. So, there you have it.
I need to run, but thanks for stopping by… More client news soon!
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( None so far )Blog: # Find My Family & my experience w/the adoptive parents of my son
I wrote this in November just before the new reality show, Find My Family, came on the air.
Seeing as this IS my personal blog, although I’ve been putting more of my professional and political stuff on here for higher visibility, I feel like getting personal seeing as the new reality show, Find My Family, is airing tonight for the first time after Dancing with the Stars.
Also, since I haven’t been allowed to speak to my son ever since the adoptive parents dropped an emotional bombshell about Eli’s feelings about his birth father on me in a recent conversation and are most likely reacting out of fear, I need to share what I’m going through as a birthmother because I know many adoptive parents are clueless as to how their actions deeply, deeply, deeply affect those of us in open adoptions that they choose not to honor.
I wasn’t planning to, but after going through Stephen R. Covey’s The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People training today, I just feel compelled to be honest with what I’m experiencing in my open adoption in hopes it will help a reader who needs to hear my story – even if nothing positive happens in my own personal situation.
(For the record, my friend, Adoption Psychologist/Author, Marlou Russell, explained to me is that “it is natural for adoptees to be angry at a birth parent and show those feelings. Sometimes it is about the adoption, sometimes it is about something else.” I believe it was something else, but that’s neither here nor there. I’ve been on adoption panels with her and attended her adoption seminars which I highly, highly recommend. I completely trust her insights and perspective since she’s also an adoptee and has lived what she counsels.)
I just want adoptees to be aware that many times it’s not their birth parents who don’t want to speak or spend time with them, it’s the adoptive parents who shut off the relationship because of their own issues. But I’m sure many adoptees already know that and have guilt feelings for even wanting a relationship with their biological parents.
To be fair, I’m sure there are great adoptive parents too. I’m sure there are plenty of wonderful open adoptions too. But to be real, there are many that aren’t. We just don’t hear about those as much unless it’s some drastic ripping of a child from an adoptive parent by a birth parent which is generally very rare.
That’s why I think tonight’s Find My Family show is going to strike a real emotional chord for many people in the adoption triad – adoptee, adoptive parents, and birth parents. And those who have lost touch with loved ones and relatives. (For a laugh, read people’s comments though.:))
I placed my son in an adoption ten years ago with the understanding it would be open, not closed, as the adoptive parents erroneously, wrongly and falsely are choosing to do right now and frequently have tried to do in the past. I even had to bring in an adoption counselor to validate my claims my involvement in his life helps, doesn’t hurt Eli and his self-esteem.
However, since that last counseling appointment was back when he was three, apparently they’ve forgotten. What’s so difficult is I’m not the only birthmother to experience this heartache over an adoption.
I distinctly remember one birthmother I spoke to years ago who was told by the potential adoptive parents she would have an open adoption only to find as soon as she signed over her rights, the parents disappeared with her child never to be heard from again.
I’m sure there are many other horror stories, but you don’t hear about them because the adoptive parents are so much more in the forefront of this issue and are more visible.
I also remember listening to a couple who were considering adopting saying they wanted a foreign baby because then they would never have to deal with the birth parents. It cut me to the quick to hear that. To think that birthparents could be discarded so easily and callously as long as the adoptive parents got what they wanted – a healthy baby – was rather shocking.
What are we? Surrogates? Non-entities? Just a uterus? I don’t get it. Never have, never will. I am a woman who gave birth to your child at great sacrifice. I have to turn over my feelings to God about this on almost a daily basis when I’m in the midst of the adoptive parent’s painful actions. Sometimes it’s easier than others.
Today, I’m ok. A few weekends ago? Not so much.
I know I should have heard the adoptive father when he said he wanted to write a book about adoption and the last page of the book would be the child being told they would meet their birth parent when they were older.
However, when you’re pregnant, it’s a week before your child is to be born and then adopted by that very person and you were promised an open adoption, you have a tendency to believe that person will honor their word and has the same concept of open adoption as you do.
Not true.
The adoptive parents had one month to prepare for our adoption whereas I had six months to research, read books on adoption and undergo intensive counseling to better understand my decision and what open adoption would mean to me which I assumed they understood as well.
Apparently their attorney’s version of an open adoption is drastically different than my version – in fact, it’s more closed than open to be honest. No pictures, very little contact, etc, etc, etc. Back when I did my open adoption there weren’t any laws in place to protect birthmothers from these type of wrong actions, although the law has changed apparently.
Of course, one year after my personal open adoption leaving me with no legal recourse, but I knew that going in and accepted my fate trusting the parents to be honest and fair feeling they would have Eli’s best interests at heart above their own insecurities and fears.
Another of my good friends who worked with an adoption agency and has always been very supportive of me and what I go through in this adoption, once I told her what’s been going on lately, said this is just another example of why an agency adoption is superior to an attorney adoption since potential parents must undergo counseling when with an agency.
She said she can’t believe the amount of adoptive parents who live under the fear the birthparents are going to come in and take their child back. I personally don’t get that since I gave birth and voluntarily chose to abdicate my rights to this child (with the understanding we would be able to stay in touch because I never wanted my son to doubt my choosing adoption out of love, or my love for him.)
I honor my commitments and my word. I don’t know any other way. That’s why this betrayal by the adoptive parents hurts so deeply. I assumed they would do the same and I’ve been proven wrong over and over again. Living with this back-and-forth for ten years is wearing on a person which is why I’m choosing to speak out now.
Not to say there haven’t been good times, but there’s always a feeling of obligation, not happiness over this relationship I have with their child despite his love for me and desire to have me in his life. What’s that saying about doing the same thing and expecting different responses? Insanity.
I finally snapped recently and called them sobbing about my feelings over everything which of course, they have chosen to ignore since that’s how they handle everything they don’t know what to do with. Everything’s fine, just pretend everything’s fine, ignore it, smiles, and everything will be fine. Nothing’s wrong.
Well, it is.
There are times I want to just walk away and forget this heartache completely, but then I remember I’m not staying involved for the adoptive parents. I’m doing it for the mental health of my son – to give him confidence that I love him (no matter how much these people hurt me to do this by withholding gifts I send him until he asks why I’m not contacting him and then they finally give to him months afterward to appease him; refusing to allow me to speak to him despite numerous calls to catch them when they might be available and their promises to return my calls when I have brought it up with them in the past which they break over and over again; refusing to allow me to see him when I’m traveling close due to the Inauguration until the last minute when it’s not possible due to the crowds, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc)
I’m writing about this now because the anger is gone. All I have is resignation. That, and hope that the birth father will be able to get through to them the need for us all to be in touch with Eli as he grows, develops and deals with his adoption. It’s what is best for him no matter how much they want to deny it.
After ten years of no communication with the birthfather (who is now happily married with a child of his own) through a mutual friend, he contacted me via email after hearing about Eli’s pride in his Nigerian heritage, his pride in being adopted, and Eli’s anger at him because he didn’t think he cared since this man has never reached out before.
After getting over my initial shock, I wrote back and explained what I’ve dealt with for the entire ten years of this adoption and wished him well in reaching out to the adoptive parents. Who knows? Maybe it’s time for Eli to have a relationship with his biological father and maybe it’s time for the adoptive parent to work through their own personal issues surrounding this adoption through counseling.
I’m just tired of being among the silent majority in an adoption and pretending like nothing’s wrong in this adoptive relationship because it’s false. There are issues inherent in any relationship you have in your life. It’s just more difficult when you’re negotiating for a chance to love the child you naturally love and know loves you back.
It really shouldn’t be this difficult. Especially when the parents proclaim to love God and live a Christian life which is one of the reasons I selected them out of all the people I could have chosen. It just doesn’t make sense. Where’s their integrity in all this?
What was interesting is that this past Sunday when I went to request prayer for this whole situation I ironically had a pastor pray for me who is also an adoptive parent – he knew immediately what I was going through and prayed for the parents to remember I John 4:18,
“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.”
I have real peace over everything right now. Have to admit, this heartache over what’s going on has been why I haven’t been writing very much lately. I needed to make sure that when I did there was no anger, just facts. I also didn’t want to write about it, but for some reason felt compelled once I heard about the Find My Family show.
I hope you understand my adoption a little better now as a result of my sharing too. I hope if the adoptive parents read this they will hear me too. One can dream…
I will leave you with this funny story because it hasn’t been all doom and gloom.
Immediately after my adoption, I flew to NC for a vacation with a friend and used the time to pitch myself to work in NYC with a PR firm. I found a freelance consulting gig rather quickly, flew up there and soon rented a place to stay with a young girl from a friend’s church.
I’ll never forget shopping the streets of New York with her, sharing about my open adoption and her funny response. She was so naive she asked me, “Well, when do you get him back?” She figured since it was an open adoption I would get him back when I was back on my feet, or whenever I wanted.
I had to laugh and explain it’s permanent. I chose this family to raise my son for me since it wasn’t the right time for me to be a parent.
I believed that then. I believe it now.
No matter how poorly they treat me and no matter how much they don’t want to believe I would NEVER ever try to take Eli back, I would never do that. I just wouldn’t. I committed to this situation and will remain committed to the very end… no matter the cost to me personally.
And despite being one of the heaviest emotional, spiritual, physical and professional costs I have ever lived through. I lived through it!
And I keep my word. I haven’t wanted to write about this, but felt the need to set the record straight and to share a birthmother’s perspective since our side is usually ignored in adoption stories and the media.
For those of you considering open adoption, in an open adoption, or dealing with issues from an open adoption, again, a little advice from my good friend/Adoption Counselor/Author Marlou Russell: “A good book to read is Lois Melina and Sharon Kaplan Roszia’s [The] Open Adoption [Experience: A Complete Guide for Adoptive and Birth Families.]
They cover many issues. Sharon has an office in Santa Ana – The Kinship Center that has groups and individual counseling and deals with these issues all the time.”
And that’s all. I want to write a fun blog next. Just felt like sharing in hopes this will give you a better understanding of adoption and birthparents.
Or at least me.
We are not the enemy.
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( 2 so far )Another of my Harvest Home friends just found me
By Joy A. Kennelly
Yesterday I received an email via my myspace page from a young woman I had lived with at Harvest Home named Edie I have lost touch with for the past seven years.
She had pimped her myspace site out all gangsta which cracked me up because she’s the hardest working, loving mother I know. She should be. She has four little boys now.
It was so wonderful to hear from her after all this time. The time of my pregnancy was one of the hardest times of my life for so many reasons. I was living in a maternity home (shelter) along with up to 9 other single pregnant woman at one time.
I was living on welfare while producing my short film festival and lost friends over my decision to choose adoption. My parents weren’t always supportive although I know they loved me, just didn’t get it.
I remember being so happy to find a place to live where I could just relax and be pregnant without condemnation that I sent all my friends the Harvest Home newsletter with a sticky attached saying “I’m pregnant and living here now. Donate please.”
Or something like that. I’ve always been pro-fundraising even when it’s for me! LOL
That maternity home actually still exists in Venice, CA and every so often I go to their reunions. However, generally none of the women I lived with are there.
That’s why it was so nice to hear from Edie. We’ve been corresponding via myspace the past couple of days which has been fun. I finally called her tonight and we had fun reminiscing.
I told her I remembered taking her cutie pie little baby boy and sitting him on my lap to take a picture to send to my friends to say he was my child. That made us both laugh because he’s black and I’m white.
She promised to find some of the pictures and just wrote me to say check out her myspace page. I’ve added the link to our time together at Harvest Home.
I so remember this time of my life and it’s so nice of her to take the time to post the pictures. Check ’em out. Her little boy was/is such a cutie. He’s doing so well in school – honor roll!
There were about five of us who had babies all around the same time and we used to get together to celebrate each child’s bday. I think that’s what some of these pix are from.
I was the only one who chose adoption which was difficult during certain periods of time, but these women, no girls at that time, just loved and accepted me. I’ll never forget or turn my back on any of them when they contact me.
We used to have group therapy together, birthing class, sewing, and we used to take turns cooking for the entire house. When it was your turn to cook you not only chose the meal and prepared it for 10 people while very pregnant, you also were responsible for all the clean-up afterwards. That was so exhausting! I didn’t mind cooking, but I hated cleaning up.
I used to get real sick and often was in the hospital on iv’s because of the flu, or other sicknesses. I remember being real sick over Christmas and New Years.
All of us girls got real close. We fought, we laughed, we cried, we cared and we loved each other’s children. I still love those children even though I don’t see them.
What was funny tonight is that Edie said her boyfriend wanted to know who that white girl was in her picture collection. That made me laugh out loud.
I used to live with ghetto girls (I used to tease them so I think it’s ok to still say that…!:))- the other white girl, Sunny, was a former stripper, and Renee, was a hippie girl from Santa Cruz.
Really great girls and I will always love them. They helped me through a very difficult time in my life and for their support and love then and now, I will always be grateful.
Made me cry to look at the old pictures from so long ago which is why I just had to share. So many people today don’t even know my life story, or what I’ve been through.
That’s fine, but it’s also nice to connect with people who do. My son celebrates his birthday this Monday which I think is making me very sentimental.
I read a book called Whatever Makes You Happy about three English mums who go to live with their adult sons and the havoc they create. It’s a rather clever read – the English version and I enjoyed it.
Turns out the one gay son had fathered a child for his lesbian friend. When his mother found out about the child, she was overjoyed with love for this baby she’d never met and promptly went out and bought all kinds of gifts.
Then she went and sat outside the home until the mother came out with the newborn baby.She strikes up a conversation and then reveals she’s the grandmother.
This part made me cry because this woman wouldn’t take no for an answer and forced the relationship which, in the book, turned out very nicely.
Made me realize I’ve given up on my son. Why? I don’t know. However, reading that book and talking to Edie tonight makes me realize my heart still isn’t closed to my son. It never will be no matter how much I want to pretend that it is.
You just can’t walk away from your own flesh and blood without feeling pain. I think I’m going to sleep on this. Still very tired and the medicine I’m taking for my bronchitis isn’t helping as much as I would have hoped.
I could have pneumonia after all. I sure hope not, but all signs seem to point in that direction. Doesn’t help that my friend just informed me that someone she knows who had walking pneumonia died over it!
Needless to say, I’ll be going to the doctors, and maybe another doctor for a 2nd opinion if I’m not better by the time this Z-pack is completed.
Okay, that’s all. Just felt like sharing. I just had a lot of emotions come up after seeing those pictures from Edie and speaking to her. Thanks for reading.
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( None so far )Reading some great books right now…
I’m reading three really good books. I know, how do I do it and why? Because one I read in the morning when I’m awake early enough, the second at night to relax from the day, and the other I just bought tonight.
The first was suggested reading in a Bible Study I opted not to attend, but got the book anyway. It’s entitled Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World by Joanna Weaver. I’m really glad I’m reading it independently because apparently they’re flying through two chapters a week and I want to savor this one to let it sink in.
It’s all about how Jesus wants us to stop and smell the roses (or at least that’s what I’m getting out of it.) We’re usually so busy we don’t stop and listen to what God wants to reveal in our lives. The book is filled with great anecdotal stories and applications to my life that always fit exactly what I’m going through right when I need to hear them.
My nighttime reading is the infamous book, Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. What I love about reading her book is the way she writes. It’s so poetic and descriptive. I can only wish to achieve her writing grace and style.
What I find interesting about this book is her search for God and what lengths she goes to find Him.
I’m currently in India with her and really enjoying her “Texan Guru’s” advice on page 149 of the book which really hit home for me. Here’s the part I just love: “People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it.” Isn’t that just awesome?
I’m really enjoying this book and trying to put into practice some of the disciplines she’s experiencing while living in her Guru’s ashram, like driving without the radio on to hear God and listen to my thoughts that come up.
Today I was viciously attacked in front of my peers via an email by an immature bully. People I expected to stand up for me, didn’t. It was brutal wake-up call to the depth of certain friendships and the lack of others.
As a result, I was extremely upset. I called a good girlfriend and learned she’d had an awful day too. My client I met with had had one too. It must be something in the moon, or we’re all pmsy together!:)
In any case, even though this good friend invited me to join her and her family for dinner I opted to drive up to Malibu instead which turned into something of a meditation because there was so much traffic due to the three-day holiday or something.
As I was inching along five miles an hour, I was behind a big camper truck and then a big semi truck came up next to me. I couldn’t see this, but the road was narrowing and for some reason the big semi had decided he would go ahead of me despite doing so would run me into the mountain beside me.
Now I drive a very small car and thought he just hadn’t seen me so I moved forward to show him my bumper. No such luck, he was going to barrel his way ahead regardless. I began to get worried when he kept barreling forward and I began to honk loudly to say, Hey! I’m here, don’t run me into the mountain!
He kept coming so finally when I saw a chance I decided to speed ahead of the camper and avoid getting crushed. It was a little harrowing, but it made me realize that today I experienced that same thing virtually where the big bully was trying to crush my spirit while the group stood by and watched it happen, not realizing I was about to get crushed.
I ended up ending that association today since it’s not healthy for me to feel attacked and not protected like that. I felt that way driving too. As I pulled ahead of both the camper and the semi truck, I felt freer and like I could really fly. However, there was still a lot of traffic.
We continued to inch forward and then all of a sudden the road opened up and we finally could just travel. That’s what I feel like has been happening with my situation. It’s been slow moving and sometimes I wonder if anything will ever change.
However, every so often I see glimpses of hope and realize that just like the traffic tonight, it takes time to get past certain obstacles before you find your freedom. We’re getting closer and hopefully soon will have a breakthrough. I just won’t be involved which is fine.
I know what part I played and God knows too which is all that matters. What’s so funny is that every time I want recognition for something it never comes. However, when I’m finally fine with everything and don’t need it, that’s when people acknowledge my efforts.
Today a woman posted on my online networking group a request for advice regarding her birth plan to have her child without drugs and our thoughts on a doula. Since I’d had that experience with my son (no pain too – a total miracle!), I wrote her and told her of my experience mentioning my adoption story.
There was a wonderful woman at my first maternity home, Harvest Home, who volunteered her time as a doula and she was there during my entire birth at St. John’s Hospital. I really couldn’t have done it without her. She was so calm and so nurturing.
My mom was too in her own way, but also a little helpless in times of great stress. However, I was glad she was there too. My youngest sister and her kids were there as was my Dad. I have another sister, but it’s as if I don’t so…
In any case, I shared my story with this girl and the group without any thought of the fact I was sharing my adoption/birth experience to over 1000 women via the newsletter. I’ve told them about my adoption before and never really gotten any response. As a result, didn’t expect one today either.
What was so cool is that while I’m being attacked in one email, I switch over to my other account with tears streaming down my face from the pain of it all, and there’s this lovely email from someone I’ve never met telling me that my adoption was a very selfless act and thank you for not aborting my child. She also thanked me for sharing and was just really loving right when I was feeling my worst.
God has such a funny sense of timing. That happened last night too. I had left a surprise Valentine’s Day gift for a good girlfriend which she received when she got home. She called to tell me how thoughtful and loving and wonderful a friend I was.
I was scanning my emails while listening to her and received one from someone I considered a friend telling me how awful I was and how bad I made her feel because she felt she’d never measure up to what she thought I expected from her as a friend.
That was totally out of left field because she’d misinterpreted an email I’d sent her. I had to laugh at the irony of the phone call from one really good friend and the email from this friend on the other hand. I told my phone friend what had happened and she laughed along with me. I guess you have to take the good along with the bad in life.
As long as we know who we are, then it doesn’t matter what other people say about us. However, it doesn’t take away the sting. Also, I have to look at both of these experiences as a way to learn how I can change and grow from the situation too.
There had to be some element of truth in this guy’s tirade if it stung as much as it did. However, I also know he’s a blow hard so whatever… I do have to ask myself what God is trying to teach me through all this though!
Oh, the last book I picked up tonight as a result of today’s experience is called, Seducing the Boys Club by Nina DiSesa since that’s what this little hometown attack experience feels like. A Boy’s Club where strong women who have intelligence and strength threaten the members. Oh well, I’ll learn and then watch out!
Okay, that’s all for now. I’m tired. Have a good one.
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( 4 so far )My Capitol Hill experience sharing my birthmother story
I wrote this back in 2001 after I’d returned from the International Platform Association Conference. I’m not sure if the group is still around (there was some hairy stuff that came out afterwards which might have affected its continuing – the FBI even got involved!), but it was very prestigious back when I spoke.
In 1999, Blitzer won the International Platform Association’s Lowell Thomas Broadcast Journalism Award for outstanding contributions to broadcast journalism.
Back to adoption though. I forgot the opposition and feedback I received from women who’d placed their children in adoption back in the 60’s when I was sharing my story. Also, those who were so touched by my sharing my story.
Check it out.
A BIRTHMOTHER’S POSITIVE PERSPECTIVE ON ADOPTION
By Joy A. Kennelly
This past August 2001, I was invited to speak at the Annual International Platform Association Conference (www.internationalplatform.com) held in Washington, DC on Capitol Hill. I had been invited years ago and at the time didn’t have anything I wanted to speak on badly enough to warrant attending, but kept the invite just in case I changed my mind. This year I did.
See, I am a birthmother, one of the silent majority in the world of Adoption.
Fortunately, overall, I’ve had a good experience with my open adoption and my desire is to encourage other women in similar situations to mine to consider the third choice, which is rarely presented — Adoption. That is why I wrote a letter to the chairman asking if he’d consider letting me share my story of being a birthmother from a positive perspective.
Even before he received my bio, he enthusiastically called me to say, “Yes, we’d love to have you.” This was in early May and I began to prepare to attend. I’d been working with a local maternity home, Rose Vista (www.rosevista.org), promoting their services to hospitals, clinics, adoption organizations, and anyone else who came in contact with women in crisis pregnancies.
Through the course of my phone calls I began to speak to women who had placed back in the early 50’s, 60’s and 70’s and their anger towards what we were doing was quite amazing. I wasn’t aware until then of the rage and unresolved pain so many older birthmoms carried all these years. I spent many hours speaking to some of these women attempting to show them that adoption has really changed since they placed and not all adoptions are bad experiences.
Some of them were able to wrap their minds around the fact we only want to help women and provide a safe haven for them to live after our conversations, but many wanted there to be no more adoptions whatsoever. It was then I realized that I’m one of the rare birthmoms who is willing to share a positive experience so soon after placing. My son is two and half years old.
These conversations were very sobering and I began to seek out other sources to support my efforts. Fortunately, Jane Bright, the Director of Rose Vista, attended a Loving and Caring Conference back in Philadelphia, PN which focuses on the birthmother’s experience. She came back with all kinds of resources and contacts and I called one group called Birthmother’s Ministry in Alexandria, VA.
They were very gracious and connected me with another young birthmother who was willing to open her home to me during my visit. We had wonderful conversations prior to my arriving. I felt very supported and encouraged getting to know her. She had been one of the guest speakers at the annual Birthmother Luncheon Birthmother’s Ministry hosts the day before Mother’s Day and was very secure in her decision.
It came time and I left for the conference. A girlfriend from Virginia Beach was driving up to hear me speak and another new birthmother was going to attend as my guest from the Birthmother’s Ministry. I was really nervous because it was such an honor to be speaking amongst all the other important guests. I was the youngest speaker to speak.
The day arrived and I showed up 10 minutes before and my professional bio was read as an introduction prior to my beginning to speak. Everyone was in their late 60’s and I wondered if I’d have anything to say that they’d find of interest, but plunged in anyway. I had brought an 8 x 10 framed picture of my son to add another dimension to my speech which I mounted on the podium for all to see.
I began with statistics – “Four years ago only six in every 1,000 live births were placed in adoption, or less than 1%.” “Only 2 – 3% of the more than 1 million teenagers who become pregnant this year will place their child for adoption. Over 40% will choose abortion.”
Then I moved into describing the different types of adoption available – Adoption Agency, Attorney, Closed: with no contact between the adoptee and the birthmother; Semi-Open: Pictures and letters exchanged, oftentimes through an adoption agency; Open: Full visiting privileges, pictures, letters and a real relationship.
That is what I have (an open adoption.) I told my personal story of what a difficult road this has been, but how worthwhile it is to know that my son is happy, and doing well with his new family. I am writing a book about my experience, which I am shopping around now.
Then, in closing, I gave my hopes for the future of adoption which includes mandatory counseling for adoptive couples and birthmothers, federal funding to support those who work in adoption, and if people say they are Pro-choice, then let it be for three choices, not just the two that are pushed, keep your child or abort it. That drew a quick round of applause from the crowd.
I had brought packets of information on adoption which included my story prior to placing, adoption terminology, resources like Rose Vista and Birthmother’s Ministry, and a Tapestry catalog which highlights all the books available on adoption from all the triad’s perspectives, and other information. I held up Rose Vista’s brochure and Birthmother’s Ministry brochure and invited those interested in additional information to contact me afterwards.
We then opened it up for questions. A woman came forward and shared how she worked with teenage mothers and how she rarely saw any choose adoption. She then asked if I was proposing that we start a national movement for adoption and although I was surprised at her interpretation of my speech, I said, Yes, I am. That got some cheers.
Then a man came forward and shared how his father had recently confessed to him that he’d raped his mother. He became choked up and said he wished adoption had been an option for his mother back then. He too was for adoption and told me later he was going to help me and would be e-mailing soon.
As I left the podium to take my seat, an older woman probably in her late 60’s or 70’s came up to me crying and choking on her words. She told me she’d been a birthmother 57 years ago. She was so broken up, I became choked up and could only nod in agreement even though I didn’t understand a word she was saying because of her pain.
She seemed to need a hug and through my tears I gave her one. It was a surreal experience to me because I hadn’t expected this type of reaction from the gathered crowd.
Then, a man approached me from the International Platform Association who said he wanted to write an article about me for their monthly publication. He asked if he could have my notes and I gave him my outline. Another older woman was waiting to speak to me and she brushed him away because it was going to be a personal conversation she wanted to share.
He left and she and I sat down. She began to share her story of having done three adoptions (one open until the adoptive mother couldn’t take it any longer) and the rest were closed. She then had four other children and ended up raising those children. I think she just needed someone to hear her because as soon as she said all that, she thanked me for listening and then got up and left.
As my friends and I were preparing to leave, another middle-aged woman stopped me and shared her story. She had a daughter she’d adopted after having three miscarriages and she hadn’t told her daughter she was adopted until she was 16 years old. I really don’t think that’s healthy, but it wasn’t my place to tell her something that she couldn’t change anyway.
Her daughter had acted out from that point forward (who blames her!) and this woman wanted to know the sociological consequences of women raising children alone and the impact of fathers.
I had to tell her I’m not an expert or trained in that, but the research I had done indicated that a fatherless child really is affected. She took the Tapestry catalog I gave her and when we bumped into each other again, I gave her a full packet of information too.
Then, my friends and I left to find what fun things might be happening in Georgetown that evening. The next evening, there was a wonderful banquet and various influential media types and a former astronaut entertained us. I was able to give a packet of information to honoree, (then) Fox News Correspondent, Rita Cosby, who assured me she’d read it.
I heard from her later and she recommended I give it to Bill O’Reilly, from the O’Reilly Factor as well. I knew him through an old boyfriend and promptly sent him a packet of info too. I also passed it out to Senator Warner from Virginia at a later engagement and others.
On our drive to Virginia Beach, Eileen and I began discussing the possibility of producing a documentary on adoption from an updated perspective. She is a professional researcher and when we returned, she promptly began researching adoption on the internet.
She discovered numerous bills in Congress that are proposing funding for adoption services, public service announcements, billboards and brochures. I encourage all of you to research this info on the National Council of Adoption’s web-site www. Nac-usa.org I believe.
I don’t know if I made any difference speaking, but the joy and encouragement it brought me has made me eager to do more. We are also seriously pursuing a documentary on adoption and public service announcements. *Rose Vista continues to march forward with a fund-raiser this October 26, 2001 in Los Angeles, CA and Birthmother’s Ministry hosted one at the end of September.
I encourage all of you to consider supporting these organizations because they are among the minority in support of birthmothers and really need your help. As for me, I’m going to continue speaking and sharing my story in speeches, writing and film. God bless you all.
*Post note: Rose Vista Maternity Home for women seeking adoption closed it’s doors in 2007.
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( 4 so far )Adoption vs. single mothering – either choice is difficult…
Since my Typepad blog, Pure, Unadulterated Joy is acting up (which really bums me out because it’s thrown away hours of my writing with whatever glitch or hacking is going on), I thought I’d pop over to my other blogs and spread the love.
I’ve not wanted to share this, but feel the need to get it off my chest because I feel relieved to have made the decision I’ve made instead which I can now share.
I almost walked out of my son’s life this Christmas because I get tired of feeling like I’m pushing myself on the parents (even though they assure me I’m not), but was encouraged by my friend who has lost a child to divorce not to let go of the love.
He’s right. I need my son’s love in my life and he needs me too. I know it must be hard as an adoptive parent to feel like there’s some other person sharing your child’s love, but as my favorite psychologist, Marlou Russell, always assures me, there is room in a child’s life for everyone and you can never give a child too much love.
I will share a few funny comments I’ve received over the years from people unfamiliar with open adoption related to this blog. An old room-mate in New York when I was telling her about my open adoption situation asked me at the end, “When do you get him back?” I guess feeling like if it was open, then I get to decide when I’m ready to parent again. That made me LOL.
I assured her it was a forever decision and I would never take him back although there have been other birth parents who might have in the past. (I think it’s rare when it happens, but it’s so shocking that the media attacks the story like vultures to make it bigger than it really should be. )
Then, the other night when traveling with a single mom who assured me she could NEVER have placed her child in an adoption, said to me, “Well the adoptive parents are just leasing him. You own him.” Crazy!:) I know she was trying to make me feel good about my decision, but I already do so… I don’t envy her life one bit.
I guess that’s why adoptive parents can be so freaked out when a birthmother wants to stay involved with their child. That’s why I started this blog. There are so many misconceptions and one-sided views of adoption – usually only the adoptee or the adoptive parent’s views are shared.
I feel it’s time to share the other side. To show that we’re not all drug addicts, crazy, weird, hard-hearted, or whatever else that society sometimes likes to label us and put us in a box.
Most of us, according to some research I’ve done over the years, are college-educated, we’ve thought long and hard about our decision, and we suffer the loss of a child just as if anyone might in a death.
Some of us never recover, but those of us who pursue counseling and receive love and support from friends and family go on to live happy and productive lives. I think the attitude you carry into any situation will determine how you live through it.
I chose to make a very difficult decision nine years ago because I didn’t want to hurt my child based on my life experiences. I also didn’t want to be beholden to the birthfather for 18 years. Lastly, I saw what a difficult life so many single mothers experience and decided to give myself and my son a better life.
I know it’s very patriarchal in this day and age, but I believe children need fathers. Men provide children with skills and support that women just can’t offer which is why I chose to place my child in a two-parent home. I grew up that way and wanted my son to have the advantages I had from that experience (despite all the issues that type of life can bring up too!)
Yes, my choice to place my son in adoption was very logic-driven, but it was also very sacrificial, emotional, and deeply painful, but it’s something I’m proud to have done for my child. I wasn’t in the position emotionally, financially, spiritually or physically to give my son the life I wanted him to have when I became pregnant and chose to allow other people to raise him as a result.
Judge me. Condemn me. Do what you will, but I know in my heart of hearts I made the right life choice for both of us. I’m proud that I’ve worked through all the issues and come out the other side a stronger, better person for it.
I never want my son to doubt I did what I did out of love for him which is why I’ll stay in his life as long as he needs me to be there to show that to him. I don’t think you ever stop being a mom even though you don’t raise your child. You do become almost the aunt in certain respects – all of the love and fun with none of the responsibility.
However, it does have its heartaches too. Don’t get me wrong. I just choose to dwell on the positive aspects and ignore the other.
Okay, that’s all for now. Have a good one!
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( 1 so far )Healing my life through art & walking down memory lane
I wrote this October 10, 2007 for my other blog, Pure, Unadulterated Joy. I’m planning to visit A Window Between Worlds again on January 19, 2008. They’re offering a vision board session and I love creating them! I have such visions for my life. Now if they all come true… Watch out!
Okay, here’s what I wrote then…
I ended up driving by a building that houses A Window Between Worlds. This non-profit teaches women and children in battered women’s shelters art as a healing tool. They’re all over country now which is great!
I had volunteered there while pregnant and just had to see if they were still around. When I rang the bell, it was indeed the same place. They welcomed me to join them even though they were all at lunch.
Walking up the stairs to the main office area brought back a wave of emotions. I had volunteered there 9 years ago. It was there that I surrendered to the decision that since I couldn’t find a family I liked well enough to raise my son that maybe God wanted me to raise him myself. I would be a single parent.
It wasn’t what I wanted at all to do, but felt I had to just resign myself to that fate. The epiphany came while I had been participating as a “model” for A Window Between World’s TV news coverage they had arranged to showcase how the guided art programs are run and help women. All of sudden, during the demonstration I burst into tears and began sobbing.
It was like a huge dam had broken and all the sorrow, pain, and heartache of this entire pregnancy just came gushing forth. Cathy, the director, was very kind and gentle with me and lead me to a quiet place to journal my thoughts and feelings to gain composure. I don’t know if they ever ran that news cast or not, but I was amazed at how the art lesson had been so healing to me personally.
As I journaled I just turned over all my pain and confusion about my son and just accepted that God’s will might be for me to raise my son after all. At the time I didn’t know I was having a boy, but I did know I wanted my child to grow up with all the benefits of a two-parent, stable household which I didn’t feel I would be able to provide at that time.
Many women are single parents and I admire them. I just know for me, it wasn’t a path I was ready or able to travel down. That day, after surrendering my will to God’s will, I walked back to Harvest Home and there was a package waiting for me from the couple I would ultimately choose to adopt and raise my son.
All the women living in the maternity home with me were all involved in my search process by this time because I’d been looking for almost six months. When I opened the package, there was the soon-to-be adoptive couple’s application, lots of pictures, and a video they had created to introduce themselves to me.
All the women clamored for me to watch it so we gathered in the living room and began to watch together. I think that day I wished I had more privacy because everyone kept telling me this couples the one, they’re perfect for you. I didn’t want to believe it. I was prepared now to raise my child and now the idea of adoption seemed real scary.
However, I knew this couple was the one when I spoke to them both on the phone and they answered all my list of questions. And as a journalism minor in college, I had a long list of questions. I asked to speak to references and spoke to them too. I spoke to the adoptive mom’s family members.
I then called a very good friend at the time and asked her advice. She prayed with me and encouraged me to accept this as a reality. I knew it needed to be done, but it was hard now that it was so close to Eli being born.
I found this couple one month before Eli was born. It’s a miracle that they passed the home inspection in such a short time. That’s why when people are so amazed that celebrities seem to dash right through adoption issues, I know it can be done. The couple who adopted my son weren’t wealthy, just good people who would be loving, honest, caring parents.
I think people who judge adoptive parent’s suitability for this role can sense when the situation is right. God moves too! When I first began searching for adoptive parents, I sent letters out to all the adoptive agencies I knew around the country asking them for parents who would fit the criteria of what I was looking for.
When I had exhausted that route, I sent out letters to all my friends at various churches around the country asking them to refer good people to my attorney for consideration. It was through one of those letters that a couple attending my friend’s church in Texas remembered Amy & Jeff, my adoptive couple, from a Bible Study they had attended with them years back.
They contacted Amy and told her about me. She called Jeff who was doing military duty in Florida and said, “How’d you like to adopt a child?” Now they were content with being childless, but there was always a part of them that had wanted a child. They knew that when the time was right, God would bring them a child.
There was nothing physically wrong with either of them, they just weren’t able to conceive naturally. Rather than go through in vitro, they just waited on God. Jeff is a tall, handsome African-American man, and Amy is a petite, attractive blonde woman. I had had a vision of both of them (faceless, but their other physical characteristics very vivid in my head) when I was sending out letters around the country which I normally never have.
However, I do have very vivid dreams! This morning I dreamt that a very handsome, dark almost Italian looking man gave me the best bear hug ever when he saw me. It was hard to wake up after that dream!
Back to my story. Okay, so Amy and Jeff are contacted out of the blue to adopt a child they’ve never met and have never prepared for. That’s what is so amazing to me! There were so many couples I read their profiles whose whole lives revolved around wanting children in their lives. Amy & Jeff were content either way which I really liked that about them.
I didn’t want a couple who would idealize my child because that puts a lot of pressure on a child. I also wanted an inter-racial couple because I knew Eli would have an easier time of it if he didn’t feel even more out of place in a family that really didn’t look like him. What’s so weird is that Eli looks so much like Amy and Jeff people never even think to ask if he’s adopted which I think is great!
I really couldn’t ask for better adoptive parents. They’re secure in our relationship and their relationship with Eli. We get along really well. I love them and am so happy I found them. God is good!
That’s why going back to Harvest Home this past weekend and seeing what my life was like only 9 years ago; then finding A Window Between Worlds again after all the time; driving down my old street and looking for places there was so mind-blowing. It’s like God feels I’m ready to deal with all this emotion and can move beyond it now.
What was so interesting about visiting A Window Between Worlds yesterday is that the walls are covered with art and now I represent Gali Rotstein, a fine artist! Never in a million years would I ever have said my life would lead to art, but here I am.
I guess working with Gali is another way to heal because she appreciates and respects my work when some others haven’t in the past. That is important to me with the people I choose to work with. I need to feel like they will ultimately become friends because I look at each relationship in a long-term fashion and I only like working with friends!
I’ve tried working for people who don’t want to be friends and it’s just too disheartening and defeating. I can’t do it. My work is part of my life and my life is part of my work so it has to mesh. So, there you have it.
I need to run, but thanks for stopping by…
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( None so far )Moving forward with my adoption doc
I wrote this September 30, 2007 and we’re still trying to put this demo reel together. Now I’m a little embarrassed when I see how long this has taken! Time to get it done!
Okay, here’s what I wrote then…
Started working on the video for my open adoption story. Very excited to see what my Christian editor friend, Ben, and producer/writer/publicist friend, Marcia pull together.
It made me laugh out loud to see that I had had a two-camera shoot at the adoption ceremony in the hospital. Only me. My mom is actually a pretty good camera woman and got some good footage. Wasn’t too happy to see that she’d actually captured me giving live birth to Elijah, but it was interesting to watch.
Needless to say, you all won’t be seeing that in the doc!:)
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( None so far )Creating my adoption promo reel…
I forget how long I’ve been promising to create a five-minute demo reel of my adoption story! This was from something I wrote April 16, 2007. I am still putting this reel together, but decided this blog would help me to focus on it better too. We shall see!
Okay, here’s my thoughts from Pure, Unadulterated Joy.
Going to enter my new 5 min. promo doc on my open adoption experience to a contest and use it for BEA myself. We’ll see. I think it’s a story that needs to be told because not enough people understand why I chose adoption, or even how to do it. It was one of the most heart wrenching decisions I’ve ever made, but I think it was the right decision for me at the time I made it.
You’ll have to read my book to hear all about it.
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