Uncategorized
Just found a speech I gave during a Rose Vista fundraiser…
ROSE VISTA MATERNITY HOME FUNDRAISER SPEECH
JOY A. KENNELLY
Copyright NOVEMBER 12, 2004
OVERVIEW
Rose Vista is the only maternity home in Los Angeles dedicated to helping women considering adoption.
I lived there my first year after my son was born and placed in adoption. I felt loved, accepted and understood. Jane Bright, the executive director, has a heart like no one else for the women who come through Rose Vista. I don’t know how I would have survived that first year without her love and support.
That’s why I’m speaking tonight. It’s not easy to relive painful memories, but my hope is that you can see that through sorrow there is joy; through loss there is gain and through faith there is hope.
MY BACKGROUND
My name is Joy Kennelly. Although we hear many stories of women who choose adoption who are teen-agers, uneducated, poor, and substance abusers, I am college-educated. I’ve been named Who’s Who in American Universities, Who’s Who in Information Technology, Who’s Who in America and Who’s Who in the World. I rarely drink, don’t smoke, and don’t do drugs. I am white and was raised in an upper middle class background. With all that, why did I choose adoption over having an abortion or single parenting?
REASONS FOR CHOOSING ADOPTION
There are many reasons. 1. It wasn’t the right time for me to parent. 2. Abortion was not an option. 3. There was no family support available for me. 4. I wanted my son to have a strong male role-model and a consistent dad which I didn’t feel the birthfather would be able to be at that time 5. I wanted my son to have all the advantages a stable home life provides.
Now some may think I’ve listed some selfish reasons – I wasn’t ready to be a parent – who ever is? But I really wasn’t ready. At the time I got pregnant, I was in my early 30’s and producing a short film festival that never made any money, but gave me a lot of acclaim which was very important to me at the time. I met the birthfather when he volunteered for my festival.
MY PREGNANCY
He thought I had my life together and that I was going someplace. I had broken up six months prior with someone I’d been with for three years and I was very lonely. The birthfather on the surface might seem like someone I should be with – he is an award-winning writer, a natural athlete, very intelligent and a very interesting Nigerian. I had lived in Africa as a teenager which drew me to him. On the surface he looked great, but he was more of a financial, spiritual and emotional mess than I was.
After knowing each other for two weeks, one thing lead to another and I became pregnant. Believe it or not, I was shocked because my former boyfriend and I had never used contraceptives. I’d never gotten pregnant which made me think it wouldn’t happen this time either. I’ve since learned.
For three months I lived in denial hoping and praying that I would miscarry. I kept my focus on fulfilling my commitment to my film festival because I didn’t want to think about being pregnant. On top of this, I had the stress of being a disappointment to my parents because I am the second daughter to have a baby out of wedlock.
LIVING IN A SHELTER
After telling my parents, I realized that I was on my own with my pregnancy. I moved into my first maternity shelter called Harvest Home soon after. I was surrounded by girls from the ghetto, a former stripper, and others I’d never come in contact with before in my daily life. I felt really out of place, yet at peace. All the women were choosing to raise their unborn children. I was the only one considering adoption. However, we all soon became fast friends.
Every Friday we would have group therapy. When I mentioned I was considering adoption, one girl came up to me afterward to share her photo album from her adoption. Her son was 10 and she had never met him, but kept in contact with the parents.
Another acquaintance who volunteered at the home shared about her open adoption experience with me too. She had placed her child with relatives. She actually had visits with her son and also received pictures.
PURSUING ADOPTION
It was then that I began to see how adoption might work for me too. My festival ended successfully. Actor Eriq La Salle came and was honored. MTV, HBO, and William Morris agents scouted my films. I was riding high professionally, but I was ignoring the very real baby within me.
As soon as the festival was over I was left with myself and my pregnancy. I began focusing all my time and energy on researching adoption. I met with counselors, attorneys, agencies and began filling out the reams of paperwork required. I learned all about my family’s medical history through this process.
I went with an agency for a little while. I can remember just sobbing into the phone to my counselor how much I wanted my old life back. I didn’t want to continue living like this.
SEARCHING FOR THE RIGHT FAMILY
I began looking at potential parents’ profiles trying to find the right couple. I turned my search and research into a full-time job. I had major complications in my 5th month and had to have an operation where I could have lost my child. I can remember telling my mom, “I know I’m not keeping this baby, but I don’t want him to die.”
The surgery was successful. After a brief stay with my parents while I recuperated, I went back to Harvest Home determined more than ever to find a couple. One of the attorneys I met with had me fill out a questionaire listing the top ten qualities I was looking for in a couple. I remember narrowing it down to three (Christian, inter-racially married, and would love my biracial child). I began calling attorneys all over the country asking if they had any couples with those qualities. One New York attorney told me, “You’re never going to find that.” I hung up the phone sobbing because he’d been doing adoptions for so long I believed him.
Then I called Doug Donnelly, the attorney I ended up going with, who told me, “Joy, God has a family out there for your child. He will not let you down.” I clung to that statement through the upcoming months after not finding anyone. I think towards the end even Doug was beginning to wonder if he’d find someone for me.
One day I wrote 11 letters to churches, adoption agencies, and friends across the country asking for help in finding a family. As I was writing I had a vision of the couple I saw adopting my baby. It was a tall black man and a petite blonde woman. I kept that image in the back of my mind while I continued to look.
The adoption counselor even began to ask if I wanted to raise my child after all. She gave me an assignment to spend time thinking and living like I was going to single parent.
By this time all the girls in the home were involved with me on my search. I had begun to give up hope of ever finding a couple that would fit any of the criteria I was looking for.
SURRENDER
One day, I was involved in an arts therapy presentation for a Television newscast. The therapist lead us in her guided arts project for battered women while they filmed our hands. All of a sudden I began to sob. The leader stopped everything to take me outside to comfort me. She gave me paper and pen and encouraged me to express my feelings in writing because I was crying so hard I couldn’t talk.
I wrote pages and pages and finally surrendered to God to raise this child if this is what He really wanted for me. That day I walked home and received a package from Amy and Jeff, the couple I eventually chose to raise my child. Looking back later I found that they had fulfilled all ten qualifications I had been looking for all along.
CHOOSING AMY & JEFF TO PARENT MY SON
I resisted making the final decision because I loved the child growing inside of me more and more. After much prayer and counseling and questioning Amy & Jeff extensively, I chose adoption for my son. I knew this was the right thing for us. We have what’s called an open adoption. I see him once a year. I get frequent pictures. I can call whenever I want. A day doesn’t go by that I don’t think of him.
Although he is being raised by someone else he will always be my son to me. We don’t forget our children. They will always be a part of us. I have rarely regretted my decision although it’s taken me years to heal from the loss. Adoption is like a death. It’s not an easy decision.
CONCLUSION
There’s a reason why you only see a few women living at Rose Vista when all the other maternity homes in Los Angeles are full. Society encourages women to single parent or abort. However, adoption is another option. Jane and Rose Vista stand in that gap and offer a valuable service to those women who choose to make this difficult life choice.
I will always be grateful for the love and friendship I have received from Jane and Rose Vista over the years. I hope you will continue to bless this ministry above and beyond this evening. I hope too, you will walk away with a better understanding of adoption and the sacrifice each woman makes with her choice. Adoption isn’t easy, but it is a third option I hope more will consider.
Thank you for listening.
<script type=”text/javascript”>
var gaJsHost = ((“https:” == document.location.protocol) ? “https://ssl.” : “http://www.”);
document.write(unescape(“%3Cscript src='” + gaJsHost + “google-analytics.com/ga.js’ type=’text/javascript’%3E%3C/script%3E”));
</script>
<script type=”text/javascript”>
var pageTracker = _gat._getTracker(“UA-4828923-4”);
pageTracker._trackPageview();
</script>
Feeling much better – spoke to my son today!
Since last writing my bronchitis is almost completely cured. Yeah! Went to the doctor today and got more medicine to help with the final stages. I feel SOOOO much better it’s not even funny. Thank you God in heaven for Z-packs and loving friends who care.
My poor mom now has caught this and is so sick we’re not going to be able to travel to Miami this weekend after all! Bummer, but kind of a relief too because I still have a lot of stuff to do and there’s lots of fun activities I would have missed leaving now.
It’s weird, but every time I’m planning a trip I always get a sense whether or not it will really happen, or if I will make other plans. I felt that way about my Mexico plans and same with Miami. When it’s right, everything just falls into place and I feel it happening. I can visualize my vacation and try as I might, I never visualized this trip to Florida.
On another note… My mom always surprises me. Every time I think she too has given up on a relationship with Elijah, she reaches out with love and a hand-sewn gift for him that lets me know she still thinks of him and cares too.
I don’t know as Eli really knows what to make of her because she’s rather sporadic in her contact. When she asked him if he knew who she was he said, You’re Joy’s mom. Then, when she said I’m your grandma, he got real quiet. However, they had a very pleasant conversation and he was quite entertaining.
He sure wasn’t quiet when speaking to me today! I wasn’t able to call him on his birthday and decided to try and reach him today. I got the machine and left a message not expecting a response. Imagine my pleasant surprise when I hear this little voice saying, Hello Joy, thank you for calling to wish me a happy birthday.
Yes! Eli called me (probably with his parent’s help of course since he’s only 9 – thank you Amy & Jeff!) and he’s a little firecracker! We laughed and talked like no time at all had passed between us. When he asked when I was coming out to see him again I was able to explain that since I’ve been sick and not able to work as much as I need to to afford to come see him that’s why I haven’t made plans to do so.
I didn’t tell him that I had kind of decided not to see him because of everything and I’m glad I didn’t. I really do want to see him. Unfortunately though, I don’t know when it will be now. I don’t even know when my Miami trip will happen either!
The only reason I was able to plan that was because I have a free flight from getting bumped and my mom had covered the timeshare. However, God always works things out. Maybe I’ll go to visit him now that the invitation is out there again.
I really do love that little guy. He reminds me of me because he’s so fun and full of life and excitement. Not that you probably think I have that in me right now since I’ve been kind of down, but when I’m happy, which is how I’m beginning to feel again now that I feel better, I do have fun and enthusiasm to share with people.
I just love that he loves me too. Every time I think he’s forgotten me, or doesn’t love me, all I need to do is hear him ask when I’m coming to visit and I know he does. I really thrive on his unconditional love for me. I hope he knows how much I love him too. God is faithful in our relationship is all I’ve got to say.
Lately I’ve just really missed having someone to love in my life and give love to. I was doing real well, but every time I don’t feel well I wish I had someone to care for me in sickness and in health. I have been asking for a lot of prayer about this lately too because it’s just hard being single. No ifs, ands, or buts about it.
I went to my old church’s women’s retreat this past Saturday and was really blessed by the love and support all those women gave to me. It was a really special day filled with lovely food, gifts, and fellowship. Nancee, the hostess, has a beautiful home and garden that was a perfect setting for spending personal time with God.
At the end of the leader’s message (on pride no less – talk about conviction!), people were invited to come sit on a chair in front and be prayed for. Of course I totally went forward and asked for prayer for my health and my relationship desires. We shall see!
Then tonight at my last night of my Bay Cities Bible Study, it was a very loving and giving time too. I just love Beth Moore’s study on Believing God. God is good!
And with that, I leave you.
Remember God loves you and so do I!
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( None so far )Another of my Harvest Home friends just found me
By Joy A. Kennelly
Yesterday I received an email via my myspace page from a young woman I had lived with at Harvest Home named Edie I have lost touch with for the past seven years.
She had pimped her myspace site out all gangsta which cracked me up because she’s the hardest working, loving mother I know. She should be. She has four little boys now.
It was so wonderful to hear from her after all this time. The time of my pregnancy was one of the hardest times of my life for so many reasons. I was living in a maternity home (shelter) along with up to 9 other single pregnant woman at one time.
I was living on welfare while producing my short film festival and lost friends over my decision to choose adoption. My parents weren’t always supportive although I know they loved me, just didn’t get it.
I remember being so happy to find a place to live where I could just relax and be pregnant without condemnation that I sent all my friends the Harvest Home newsletter with a sticky attached saying “I’m pregnant and living here now. Donate please.”
Or something like that. I’ve always been pro-fundraising even when it’s for me! LOL
That maternity home actually still exists in Venice, CA and every so often I go to their reunions. However, generally none of the women I lived with are there.
That’s why it was so nice to hear from Edie. We’ve been corresponding via myspace the past couple of days which has been fun. I finally called her tonight and we had fun reminiscing.
I told her I remembered taking her cutie pie little baby boy and sitting him on my lap to take a picture to send to my friends to say he was my child. That made us both laugh because he’s black and I’m white.
She promised to find some of the pictures and just wrote me to say check out her myspace page. I’ve added the link to our time together at Harvest Home.
I so remember this time of my life and it’s so nice of her to take the time to post the pictures. Check ’em out. Her little boy was/is such a cutie. He’s doing so well in school – honor roll!
There were about five of us who had babies all around the same time and we used to get together to celebrate each child’s bday. I think that’s what some of these pix are from.
I was the only one who chose adoption which was difficult during certain periods of time, but these women, no girls at that time, just loved and accepted me. I’ll never forget or turn my back on any of them when they contact me.
We used to have group therapy together, birthing class, sewing, and we used to take turns cooking for the entire house. When it was your turn to cook you not only chose the meal and prepared it for 10 people while very pregnant, you also were responsible for all the clean-up afterwards. That was so exhausting! I didn’t mind cooking, but I hated cleaning up.
I used to get real sick and often was in the hospital on iv’s because of the flu, or other sicknesses. I remember being real sick over Christmas and New Years.
All of us girls got real close. We fought, we laughed, we cried, we cared and we loved each other’s children. I still love those children even though I don’t see them.
What was funny tonight is that Edie said her boyfriend wanted to know who that white girl was in her picture collection. That made me laugh out loud.
I used to live with ghetto girls (I used to tease them so I think it’s ok to still say that…!:))- the other white girl, Sunny, was a former stripper, and Renee, was a hippie girl from Santa Cruz.
Really great girls and I will always love them. They helped me through a very difficult time in my life and for their support and love then and now, I will always be grateful.
Made me cry to look at the old pictures from so long ago which is why I just had to share. So many people today don’t even know my life story, or what I’ve been through.
That’s fine, but it’s also nice to connect with people who do. My son celebrates his birthday this Monday which I think is making me very sentimental.
I read a book called Whatever Makes You Happy about three English mums who go to live with their adult sons and the havoc they create. It’s a rather clever read – the English version and I enjoyed it.
Turns out the one gay son had fathered a child for his lesbian friend. When his mother found out about the child, she was overjoyed with love for this baby she’d never met and promptly went out and bought all kinds of gifts.
Then she went and sat outside the home until the mother came out with the newborn baby.She strikes up a conversation and then reveals she’s the grandmother.
This part made me cry because this woman wouldn’t take no for an answer and forced the relationship which, in the book, turned out very nicely.
Made me realize I’ve given up on my son. Why? I don’t know. However, reading that book and talking to Edie tonight makes me realize my heart still isn’t closed to my son. It never will be no matter how much I want to pretend that it is.
You just can’t walk away from your own flesh and blood without feeling pain. I think I’m going to sleep on this. Still very tired and the medicine I’m taking for my bronchitis isn’t helping as much as I would have hoped.
I could have pneumonia after all. I sure hope not, but all signs seem to point in that direction. Doesn’t help that my friend just informed me that someone she knows who had walking pneumonia died over it!
Needless to say, I’ll be going to the doctors, and maybe another doctor for a 2nd opinion if I’m not better by the time this Z-pack is completed.
Okay, that’s all. Just felt like sharing. I just had a lot of emotions come up after seeing those pictures from Edie and speaking to her. Thanks for reading.
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( None so far )Some books, some chat, some blog…
I haven’t popped by here in a while because ever since I heard Will Bowen, the author of A Complaint Free World speak, I realize I don’t really want to hide out here complaining any more. That said, I do need to share that the other reason I’ve not been writing a lot is because I’m fighting some lung something or other which is just kicking my booty!
Now when I’m not blogging, you must know something else is going on because I love to write and find it a great stress relief. I have been reading though which is always the flip side of writing and recommend Ready, Fire, Aim: Zero to $100 Million in No Time Flat by Michael Masterson.
What I like about him as an author is that he’s a writer and works with artists in addition to running and consulting multi-million dollar companies. Lately, the last few books I picked up have had art themes even when I wasn’t actively seeking them out. Too funny.
Since this is a business book, I’m taking my time reading it, but really enjoy what he has to say and how he says it. Very simple, easy to read language that makes sense.
On the other hand, I just galloped through Comeback Season How I Learned to Play the Game of Love by Cathy Day. Galloped, because I began skipping over all the sports references since that’s not something I understand or know.
Would have helped if I had read more of the book first to realize that all her analogies were sports ones doncha think? I just thought it would be interesting to hear another woman’s perspective on being single in today’s day and age.
I found that I could relate to her a bit since we’re both writers and we’ve both moved around a lot. What I wonder though is if men Google my name whether or not they think I’m famous and get intimidated like she feels certain men are of her.
Just because my name comes up doesn’t mean I’m famous which I think would be funny if someone thought so. Just means I know how to do online marketing! And I do it well!:)
Speaking of which, recently attended my local South Bay Internet Entrepreneur group meeting on guerilla online marketing and learned that websites that are built with frames, won’t be searchable by Google which explains why a previous client never shows up.
I wondered about that, but don’t need to worry about it since we’re not working together right now. However, just in case he stumbles across this website, that’s why. It wasn’t me! It was your web design. Very interesting.
On another note, trying hard to get excited about going to Miami since that’s my next big trip, but because I’m not well, makes it kind of hard. I may just have to reschedule, but my mom is so excited about this trip and has put so much planning into it…
I wanted to go away for Mother’s Day this year because sometimes it’s a really hard day for me if I’m not prepared. It sneaks up on me and then wallops me on the head if I’m not careful. Now I just try to plan good things for myself to counter-balance the effect.
I remember when Elijah, my son, was first born he was only about 7 days old when Mother’s Day hit. I was so proud to be a mother, I dragged myself to church to get the little carnation flower pinned to me even though I could barely sit through the service. At least that’s what I remember. It’s been so long now I might be mistaken.
I just know since churches make such a big deal about Mother’s Day it can be a hard service for me to attend. Maybe more pastors need to be sensitized to the fact that not all relationships are happy and not all mothers still have their children. However, that’s not my concern right now.
I just have to worry about finding out what’s wrong with me. I feel bad for my poor neighbor because like clock work for some reason I wake up around 4am and have the worst coughing fit. It’s enough to wake the dead. I can’t control myself though.
At first I thought it was just allergies and it would go away, but this has been going on for so long now with no let up. I’m over it. A friend I visited in PHX just informed me it could be Valley Fever which is a fungi that people catch who visit PHX. Oh goody!
At least though I know what it is now because I seem to have a lot of the symptoms. Apparently rest is the only thing that will help. So, speaking of which. I should stop.
I hope you’re doing well and not suffering any health issues. I also hope you have a great week. Thanks for stopping by!
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( None so far )
The Pregnant Pause 