Today I feel beat up and kicked around…

Posted on April 5, 2008. Filed under: Adoption emotions |

By Joy A. Kennelly

It’s days like these that I wish I had a child to wrap their little arms around me and tell me that they love me. That unconditional love is what I’m really missing in my life right now. My nieces live in CO and I don’t get to see them as often as I used to which is hard.

They’re growing up so fast. I’m still waiting to see if the adoptive parents call me, or if I have to call them, but it’s never going to happen… Don’t hold my breath. I’m just tired of always being the one to put the energy out there.

Sometimes it’s nice just to receive. Especially after a day like today. Got beat up and kicked to the curb after a very long week. Didn’t help that I felt gained up on – three against one. OY!

Fortunately, I had a very nice evening with some friends over dinner which helped put things in perspective. It’s just hard when you pour your heart and soul into something and it’s not appreciated. Maybe I make it look too easy? Maybe I don’t explain the process well enough? I just don’t know, but I think something has to change.

I can’t keep doing what I’m doing and expect different results. I wish it would just magically happen, but it doesn’t! At least I know where I stand now with this account. Just doesn’t feel very good and makes me want to quit.I’m not a quitter though, but after today’s go-round, really felt like it.

I know I’m just overly tired and run down which makes me super sensitive. But still. Give the girl a break! I hate it when people take things for granted that I offer because I can. I’m just going to stop and do the bare minimum from now on. No more caring. Just business.

Why work hard when it’s never good enough? ARGGHHH. On the other hand, with other people I’ve recently dealt with, they are very grateful and appreciative which makes it all worthwhile. I think I need to go where the love is and move out of where the pressure is.

What’s interesting is when someone throws an event and expects huge coverage when it’s really not that big a deal! Even I have low expectations when I throw an event unless it’s really over the top. The media is a hungry beast and they want to be fed what they like to eat, not whatever we throw at them.

Oh well, life could be worse. Actually it’s pretty nice. My neighbor, after I gave him a dose of his own medicine by playing my music really loudly and singing along one night, really hasn’t been around much since.

Maybe he’s gotten the hint that six months of putting up with his noise it’s time for fair play and he doesn’t like it. However, I’m not going to be quiet just to please him and his girlfriend any more. I live here too and six months of being polite on my part is starting to wear thin. The shoe is on the other foot so to speak. Plus, her place is probably much nicer so why not stay there?

Now that he’s never here I keep hoping he’ll finally ask his girlfriend to marry him because they really are a cute couple and seem to get along really well. Mazaltov Glen. Here’s to ya and your girlfriend getting hitched. Cheers. Sending you lots of good wishes for a long, happy, healthy marriage.

Makes me wish I was married. Oy! I hate being single sometimes. Yes, you have all the freedom in the world, but you also have all the aloneness in so many things. I’m over it. I’m ready to share my life with someone I love and respect.

God, I’m waiting and I’m beginning to get impatient. I’ve been a very good girl and now I’d like a reward ok? Life is really tough right now and it would just be nice to have a little love and tenderness to offset it once in awhile.

I could so easily go back to my other guy buds for comfort, but it’s hollow and that part and style of my life is over. No turning back. I only want to be with the right man, no one else. I know it’s hard being married, but right now it feels tougher being single.

Or maybe it’s only because I’m a single business owner. I don’t know. I’m just tired of doing everything alone. Ready to have some companionship for once. Someone to snuggle up in bed with. Someone to share a life together with. Is that too much to ask God?

Okay, enough with the melodrama. I’m tired and I’m going to bed.

Another day and another dollar tomorrow.

Oh wait, it’s Saturday.

AAAAAaaaahhhhhh. Finally…

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    Emotions I feel surrounding my adoption, books I read and other experiences in life

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