I love my son too much to let go right now…

Posted on January 22, 2008. Filed under: Adoption emotions, Eli & me, Why I write | Tags: , , , , , , |

By Joy A. Kennelly

I slept on my pain and came to realize that I love my little guy way too much to walk out of his life right now. I love buying him gifts and letting him know I’m thinking of him. Little boys are so precious.

I just spent the day with my friend and her two little boys who are around my son’s age. They were so cute to play with. We played monkey in the middle (where you throw a basketball around and over the person standing in the middle to keep it away from them) as their dad prepared the bike rack on the car to carry their bikes home.

It kept the kids occupied which is always helpful. Apparently it was really fun for them too because the youngest kept saying let’s go outside and play again after they’d all used the bathroom before they hit the road again.

I just love little children. They are so pure, so innocent, so devilish sometimes. Those are the moments I miss not raising my son. (I know by saying “my” son it’s probably offending adoptive parents who might be reading this, but what other term should I use? The son the adoptive parents are raising? The boy I placed in adoption? The child of my womb? Let’s be real… It’s just easier this way. He’s definitely more “your” son right now than mine so relax and give me this.)

I wonder actually if I’ll ever get the joy of experiencing these moments with my own family some day, but I try not to dwell too much on it or it begins to bum me out. I do love being single. I love not having any responsibility for anyone other than myself, but I do love giving to children and people I love. Therein lies the rub.

My dream has always been to find a man who would understand and love this part of me (my adoption) just as much as James Marsden’s character in 27 Dresses does Katherine Heigl’s quirks. I love the scene where he gives her a present and tells her he’d like to take care of her like she does everyone else (or words to that affect – it’s been a few days since I’ve seen it.) Isn’t that line so romantic? The whole film is filled with lovely special moments like that.

My friend Shana told me one of the women from her son’s school wrote the screenplay. And producers/Studio heads claim there’s no need for writers. Give me a break. There wouldn’t be the amazing stories we all care about without great writing. Great writing is the difference between something that catches your heart strings, or something that falls flat (like The Heartbreak Kid – bad writing = bad film. Tacky writing = tacky film.)

In any case, I have decided to continue this relationship with my son via his adoptive parents. What helps is that there is another couple who lives with them who really love Eli like he was their own too. Since they’re not the adoptive parents, but the godparents, there’s no tension in this relationship like there can be otherwise.

Although we did have our issues at first. This couple has been there since he came home to live with the adoptive couple – don’t ask. I thought it was very weird at first too, but now I see it’s actually very convenient since the godmother does the majority of the cooking and cleaning too I believe, although that’s not the reason for all of them living together.

They truly are a blended family in the larger sense of the word and in a positive way. It’s still unconventional, but it works for them so who am I to complain? It’s none of my business. Except if it ever adversely affected Eli, but it hasn’t and they wouldn’t so…

The adoptive parents love him very much too, but have very demanding careers (one by choice, one by promotion) and as a result aren’t around much during the day. However, that will change once the father retires out of the military. Pentagon actually. Pretty prestigious, eh? Maybe Eli will grow up to be another Colin Powell? Never said I didn’t know people in high places did I?

I have no comment on how they are raising him because I think he’s turning out to be a really cool kid. I just wish our personal adoptive parent/birthmother relationship was different. However, reality being such as it is, time to focus on what I do have control over (as they say in Al-Anon), “our own lives.”

I don’t have to react, but I do need to act. So, to that end, I have bought one of my gifts for Eli (a Good Stuff Restaurant t-shirt in mustard which will look really good with his coloring and has the cutest sayings on the back. It’s quintessential Hermosa Beach culture too. Too bad we’re going to lose it once The Mermaid block of property is sold apparently. 33 million dollars!)

I am going to look for more presents I haven’t found anything else at the stores I’ve been visiting yet. It has to be really special to make up for skipping Christmas and to honor Valentine’s Day too. Spreading the love…

So Happy Valentine’s Day early. Sending out lots of love to whoever pops by to read. Thanks for your interest. Who knows, maybe one day soon I’ll find a literary agent and actually find a way to get paid to write my thoughts on this topic. Wouldn’t that be grand?

Remind me to share my surprise at learning and meeting recently I had a relative who’d also placed a child in adoption… That’s for another post though. Gotta prep for a couple of meetings today.

Have a good one!

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    Emotions I feel surrounding my adoption, books I read and other experiences in life

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