The Riches bring out emotions I forgot I had…

Posted on January 6, 2008. Filed under: Adoption emotions |

 By Joy A. Kennelly

I wrote this blog just last year on May 17, 2007. I don’t know about you, but watching certain TV shows brings out all kinds of emotions whether I want to feel them or not. That night was one of those.

I am really drawn to The Riches. Anyone else catch the Sunday episode when Chunky K from Minnie’s past comes back into her life?

Chunky K is one of Minnie’s cell mates who bumps into her at a liquor store. Minnie feels she owes her something because of their relationship in prison. Too late she realizes she doesn’t after her life shatters around her because of Chunky K. Can you tell I like saying Chunky K? I do, I do, I do!:)

I just love the pathos and drama of this show. I love seeing people try to be something they’re not when who they really are is so much better and they only find out after something dramatic happens.

At least that’s my interpretation of that show. It really touched a cord in me because I used to be friends with a woman who had been only sober 3 years when I met her after more than 20 years of drug and alcohol abuse. We became close living at the maternity home I lived in after my son was placed with his adoptive parents.

I was one of the few non-pregnant women living with pregnant women considering adoption and it was very difficult. Reba was one of the few women I became very close to because she was tough and ready to do what she felt was right for her son like I had done.

I shared with her my experience, strength and hope and she was sure adoption was the right decision for her right up until after his birth. He was her third child and with someone she didn’t love if I remember correctly. Due to her not selecting a family before he was born, her son had to go live in a foster care situation for a little while until a family was found.

Watching her those few days after he was placed in foster care was like watching someone die a slow death to know that the child you just gave birth to wasn’t being loved by a family you had chosen, but was sitting somewhere in limbo land until that family came through. It became too much for Reba and after experiencing visions of her son crying in the night, she changed her mind and took him back.

I totally supported both her choices because adoption is one of the most difficult decisions I’ve ever made in my entire life. I don’t know how I’d handle the situation if it happened to me again. However, I know I did make the right decision at that time in my life because I wasn’t ready to be a parent and have the responsibility of raising a child when I was barely taking care of myself.

Doesn’t mean I love my son any less than any other mother on the planet, maybe more actually. However, I can’t judge other women, only myself.

I called Eli today to see how he liked the present I sent him and he was so sweet. He told me he thought my present was the best one he’d received. I was happy to hear that, but also sad because I think despite all the love his adoptive family gives him, I think he still misses me. I miss him.

However, I can’t give him what I think he needs from me because if I did, then I’d move back there and never leave his side which I can’t do to the adoptive family. He is theirs to raise and love and make feel special. If he still needs something else, then I hope that God comes in to that space and fills his heart with peace.

I just hope that one day soon I’ll have the opportunity to have a child of my own that I can cherish and spend 24/7 time with. I’ve had so much loss in my life it would be nice to experience a child’s love as part of my family and a love relationship for once in my life.

I didn’t expect to write this tonight and if you’re new to my blog, sorry. I’m just feeling sentimental after watching Grey’s Anatomy. Maybe seeing “Calli” ask George to start a family is prompting these feelings, or seeing Kate Walsh’s sparkling diamond ring all over Access Hollywood, I don’t know…

Or, maybe it was the fast I did today over my love life. I don’t know. I just know I have a peace that when the timing is right, I will meet and fall in love with the man God has in store for me.

How can I not when I have a church praying for my husband to be? Plus, I’m very blessed in my life right now, as my visiting friend, Amy, pointed out to me. God is taking care of my needs despite this injury and I actually feel much better today.

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    Emotions I feel surrounding my adoption, books I read and other experiences in life

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