I always know I want to write, or need to write, about an issue when I still feel strongly about it days later. That’s how I felt after watching this past week’s Glee episode.

Whoops! Just got sucked into watching all the Glee actor’s ten things you didn’t know about them on the Fox web site. Now if only there was a button to rush through the commercials at the beginning of each video.:)

Okay, I’m back. Where was I? Sorry, that was a nice little distraction for a Saturday morning.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve been a huge fan from the very beginning! I love the diversity, the singing, the story lines, and the rivalry between the Cheerio’s (cheerleaders) and the Glee Club (singers.) I really wish I could have seen Glee Live!

Even the Golden Globes agree.

I’ve enjoyed watching Quin’s birthmom subplot as a young girl considering adoption  and Puck, the bad-ass birthfather, who is starting to come around and take the baby more seriously.

I also love this mishmash of Barbra Streisand (my vocal idol and apparently Ryan Murphy’s too!), Lea Michele who plays Rachel, the adoptee, and Idina Menzel, the woman who plays Shelby, the birthmom, singing Don’t Rain on My Parade. This is one of the main reasons I love Glee! You never know what amazing vocals and song you love you’re going to hear and be able to sing along with. (At least that’s what I do.:))

But! Last week’s episode about the re-uniting of Lea, the girl being raised by her two gay dads (I know, they keep pushing the envelope, but what do you expect? The creator is from Nip/Tuck – one of the darkest shows to hit TV in awhile last time I watched it which was years ago) and her birthmom was sooooo shallow and simple. Unlike real life at all!

I know, I know. It’s TELEVISION! BUT C’MON!!!! lol

The song Lea and Idina sang together to symbolize the temporary severing of their relationship as birthmom and daughter after their re-uniting, I Dreamed a Dream was rather heart-wrenching though. I think that was the one honest moment in the whole subplot. Music evokes such emotion which is why this was so successful.

But Rachel showing up in a horrible GaGa outfit and her mom being the one to fix  it? Farce.

I hope that whole birthmom/adoptee re-united storyline just simply fades away, (right along with the two Dads). It’s not helping any of us living with adoption day in and day out. It cheapens and disrespects our experience at what cost? A TV Show’s popularity? Misrepresentation of something that is so personal and oftentimes so painful for many wanting a connection with the child we placed in adoption?

Now the other adoption subplot of Puck & Quin I think has nuances and is true, but lose the re-united one. Please!

Oh, and it was soooo nice to read this blogger’s take on Chris Colfer who plays Kurt, the sweet gay kid, and his “Kurt The Stalker” characterization on his site, Remote Controlled:

GLEE’S GAY PROBLEM:

“Above all else I want the writers to kill off the truly horrible Kurt The Stalker storyline. Having Kurt mooning over and manipulating Finn, probably the most heterosexual character on the show, isn’t just sad – it’s downright weird and kinda creepy. ( PREACH IT RICHARD!)

And worst of all it reinforces another key stereotype that’s been used for decades now – that all gay men are out to ‘turn’ all straight men. (MAYBE CUZ IT’S BASED ON TRUTH IN CERTAIN INSTANCES?) I honestly worry about the messages this storyline sends out and hope it doesn’t play out much longer.”

I totally agree. Last week’s entire episode was uneven, trying to do too much with too little, and ultimately satisfiying to nobody. You can’t string songs together and expect there to be a reasonable story line. We missed the poignancy and hope from other episodes.

Bring back Sue! We missed her last week. I love this video!

And more of Mr. Shue (Matthew Morrison) & his rival, Neil Patrick Harris!!!!!

Just saying…

By Joy A. Kennelly

Just finished Grey’s Anatomy’s total cliffhanger finale. Don’t read this if you haven’t seen it yet cuz I’ve got to spill it was just too, I don’t know what.

I loved the line Kate Walsh fed “Alex” in the church. It escapes me now, but it was so true. I was so happy to see Kate, in her real life, is now happily engaged. It’s nice to see her beam and have so much success in her career too.

I found it very interesting that Patrick Dempsey turned down the role of Chief of Staff even though he really wanted it. He would have made a great Chief. I thought for sure “Bailey” would have been offered Chief as a surprise, never expecting to see Calli get her Chief Resident position.

Poor Katherine H. I found that plotline rather hard to believe that after one drunken night of sex with someone who’s married she would fall so deeply in love with “George” when she was supposedly so in love with “Denny” before he died.  In real life people have a tendency  to grieve a little longer…

What did you think of the bust up of Christine and Meredith. I did not see that coming at all. How sad. Makes you realize how fragile love is. Right?

I guess that’s TV right folks? I just love that show. I also am really drawn to The Riches. Anyone else catch the Sunday episode when Chunky K from Minnie’s past comes back into her life?

(Wasn’t that terrible that the photographers asked Minnie Driver at Cannes what she would think if someone else was wearing her dress after Maria entered wearing it? She was very gracious and humble about it, but I’m sure she must have been embarrassed when she caught the meaning of their question later on. I love her acting and think she’s a great actress…who cares if she has the same great taste as a TV host?)

Okay, back to that episode. Chunky K is one of Minnie’s cell mates who bumps into her at a liquor store. Minnie feels she owes her something because of their relationship in prison. Too late she realizes she doesn’t after her life shatters around her because of Chunky K. Can you tell I like saying Chunky K? I do, I do, I do!:)

I just love the pathos and drama of this show. I love seeing people try to be something they’re not when who they really are is so much better and they only find out after something dramatic happens.

At least that’s my interpretation of that show. It really touched a cord in me because I used to be friends with a woman who had been only sober 3 years when I met her after more than 20 years of drug and alcohol abuse. We became close living at the maternity home I lived in after my son was placed with his adoptive parents.

I was one of the few non-pregnant women living with pregnant women considering adoption and it was very difficult. Reba was one of the few women I became very close to because she was tough and ready to do what she felt was right for her son like I had done.

I shared with her my experience, strength and hope and she was sure adoption was the right decision for her right up until after his birth. He was her third child and with someone she didn’t love if I remember correctly. Due to her not selecting a family before he was born, her son had to go live in a foster care situation for a little while until a family was found.

Watching her those few days after he was placed in foster care was like watching someone die a slow death to know that the child you just gave birth to wasn’t being loved by a family you had chosen, but was sitting somewhere in limbo land until that family came through. It became too much for Reba and after experiencing visions of her son crying in the night, she changed her mind and took him back.

I totally supported both her choices because adoption is one of the most difficult decisions I’ve ever made in my entire life. I don’t know how I’d handle the situation if it happened to me again. However, I know I did make the right decision at that time in my life because I wasn’t ready to be a parent and have the responsiblity of raising a child when I was barely taking care of myself.

Doesn’t mean I love my son any less than any other mother on the planet, maybe more actually. However, I can’t judge other women, only myself.

I called Eli today to see how he liked the present I sent him and he was so sweet. He told me he thought my present was the best one he’d received. I was happy to hear that, but also sad because I think despite all the love his adoptive family gives him, I think he still misses me. I miss him.

However, I can’t give him what I think he needs from me because if I did, then I’d move back there and never leave his side which I can’t do to the adoptive family. He is theirs to raise and love and make feel special. If he still needs something else, then I hope that God comes in to that space and fills his heart with peace.

I just hope that one day soon I’ll have the opportunity to have a child of my own that I can cherish and spend 24/7 time with. I’ve had so much loss in my life it would be nice to experience a child’s love as part of my family and a love relationship for once in my life.

I didn’t expect to write this tonight and if you’re new to my blog, sorry. I’m just feeling sentimental after watching Grey’s Anatomy. Maybe seeing “Calli” ask George to start a family is prompting these feelings, or seeing Kate Walsh’s sparkling diamond ring all over Access Hollywood, I don’t know…

Or, maybe it was the fast I did today over my love life. I don’t know. I just know I have a peace that when the timing is right, I will meet and fall in love with the man God has in store for me.

How can I not when I have a church praying for my husband to be? Plus, I’m very blessed in my life right now, as my visiting friend, Amy, pointed out to me. God is taking care of my needs despite this injury and I actually feel much better today. I think the sports bra made the difference! Held my back in place very firmly.

I have a chiro appointment in the morning and will ask my doctor what he thinks about that idea. Who knows, maybe I’ve discovered the cure for back pain forever!!:) Just teasing. It’s so nice to have one of my good friends stay with me while she’s in town. I forgot how much I love having company.

Now off to bed to wait for her to get home from her date. Have a good night all!

Here’s an example of some of those thoughts.

By Joy A. Kennelly

Yesterday was very serendipitous to say the least. I did more media relations for Back to College for A Day –which is coming along nicely, thank you for asking. The Washington Post reporter I pitched today found my press release very interesting, but was hoping for a more local angle.

I’m hoping she’ll see this as a national trend and pick up the story regardless of the fact this educational program takes place on the West Coast. The courses offered in Audrey’s program are perfect for that paper – politics, law, health, media.

I’ve hit a number of newspapers and online calendar listings which should help generate interest. We’ve also decided to allow people to sign up for individual seminars in case you can’t stay for the entire day.

Here’s the info again in case you’ve missed it taken from my posting on Experience LA: Back to College For A Day

Admission: Special introductory rate of $125 covers four lectures, lunch and parking. Individual seminars available at $40 each includes parking.
Services: Lunch is included in the program fee                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Description: Back to College For A Day debuts Saturday, October 27, 2007 from 9:30am – 4:00pm at Mt. St. Mary’s College – Chalon campus located at 12001 Chalon Rd., Los Angeles, CA 90049.

Back To College For A Day features renowned speakers, compelling topics and like-minded people who share the joy of learning and want to enjoy a day of intellectual and social stimulation. Special introductory rate of $125 covers four lectures presented by well-respected professors from Pomona, UCLA, and Pitzer, lunch and parking. Individual seminars offered including parking for $40.00. Advance registration required.

Lectures include:

1) Bias in the Media: Are You Getting the Real Story? – Tim Groeling, UCLA. Winner of the Copenhaven Award for Teaching with Technology; Author of When Politicians Attack: Party Cohesion and the Media.

2) The Coming Pandemic: Why Influenza is a Major Threat – Ralph Robinson, UCLA. Nominated three times for the UCLA Luckman Distinguished Teaching Award for Outstanding Lecturer; Consultant on bioterrorism for KPCC’s “Life and Times” and other news broadcasts.

3) The U.S. Congress in the American Political System – David Menefee-Libey, Pomona College. Four-time recipient of Pomona’s Wig Distinguished Teaching Award; Author of The Triumph of Campaign-Centered Politics.

4) Police States Past and Present – Andre Wakefield, Pitzer College. Author The Disordered Police State.

For more information visit www.backtocollegeforaday.com or call (818) 704-4207
What’s really nice about working with Audrey is that she really respects my expertise and advice which is so refreshing. She gave me the biggest compliment today by telling me she found me highly ethical and honest which I take as a huge compliment because that is something I strive to be in all areas of my life.

It’s gotten me in trouble sometimes because sometimes it would be easier to lie, but I just find I’d rather take the fall-out by being honest than worry what I’ve said that’s incorrect down the road. It’s just a simpler, nicer way to live.

Okay, enough self-congratulations. What else was I going to say before I run out to my meeting. Actually, I can say audition since I’m not working with any actors right now and have finished my other client work. I think it’s fun to audition because it’s outside my normal realm, it gets me out of my head, and it’s fun to be using other sides of who I am.

I’m still a publicist first and foremost, but this is something I do because it brings me happiness. When it becomes work, then I’ll probably quit. What’s fun to realize is that a lot of billionaires have fun doing what they do too! Branson of Virgin Airlines builds businesses because it’s fun and challenging for him.

I feel the same way when I begin to work with a new client. I love the challenge of breaking them in to the media, establishing their brand, and making their press releases newsworthy. I love seeing my clients develop confidence as they see the results of our efforts together. I also love to see them move up in their careers or aspirations because of my help and guidance. Lastly, I love working as a team to see goals turn into fruition. That brings me a lot of pleasure.

So, as I was saying, yesterday, did some media relations work, went to an appointment and then met a friend for lunch over at Rose Cafe in Venice. I haven’t eaten there since 1999 or so and forgot how cute and cozy it is. The food is good too.

We caught up on what we’ve been doing in the year that we’ve seen each other and she’s just glowing with happiness at having found her true path in life as a Theta Healer/Teacher. (Sorry if that’s not accurate Moira, I’m in a rush and am not sure what your exact title is.) She’s like a whole new person she’s so happy! I’m happy for her too!

She’s moving so offered to introduce me to her landlord and gave me the address. When we parted I thought I’d drive by to see the place and see my old neighborhood, but got lost and never did see it. Just as well, I ended up driving by a building that houses A Window Between Worlds. This non-profit teaches women and children in battered women’s shelters art as a healing tool. They’re all over country now which is great!

I had volunteered there while pregnant and just had to see if they were still around. When I rang the bell, it was indeed the same place and they welcomed me to join them even though they were all at lunch.

Walking up the stairs to the main office area brought back a wave of emotions. I had volunteered there 9 years ago. It was there that I surrendered to the decision that since I couldn’t find a family I liked well enough to raise my son that maybe God wanted me to raise him myself. I would be a single parent.

It wasn’t what I wanted at all to do, but felt I had to just resign myself to that fate. The epiphany came while I had been participating as a “model” for A Window Between World’s TV news coverage they had arranged to showcase how the guided art programs are run and help women. All of sudden, during the demonstration I burst into tears and began sobbing.

It was like a huge dam had broken and all the sorrow, pain, and heartache of this entire pregnancy just came gushing forth. Cathy, the director, was very kind and gentle with me and lead me to a quiet place to journal my thoughts and feelings to gain composure. I don’t know if they ever ran that news cast or not, but I was amazed at how the art lesson had been so healing to me personally.

As I journaled I just turned over all my pain and confusion about my son and just accepted that God’s will might be for me to raise my son after all. At the time I didn’t know I was having a boy, but I did know I wanted my child to grow up with all the benefits of a two-parent, stable household which I didn’t feel I would be able to provide at that time.

Many women are single parents and I admire them. I just know for me, it wasn’t a path I was ready or able to travel down. That day, after surrendering my will to God’s will, I walked back to Harvest Home and there was a package waiting for me from the couple I would ultimately choose to adopt and raise my son.

All the women living in the maternity home with me were all involved in my search process by this time because I’d been looking for almost six months. When I opened the package, there was the soon-to-be adoptive couple’s application, lots of pictures, and a video they had created to introduce themselves to me.

All the women clamored for me to watch it so we gathered in the living room and began to watch together. I think that day I wished I had more privacy because everyone kept telling me this couples the one, they’re perfect for you. I didn’t want to believe it. I was prepared now to raise my child and now the idea of adoption seemed real scary.

However, I knew this couple was the one when I spoke to them both on the phone and they answered all my list of questions. And as a journalism minor in college, I had a long list of questions. I asked to speak to references and spoke to them too. I spoke to the adoptive mom’s family members.

I then called a very good friend at the time and asked her advice. She prayed with me and encouraged me to accept this as a reality. I knew it needed to be done, but it was hard now that it was so close to Eli being born.

I found this couple one month before Eli was born. It’s a miracle that they passed the home inspection in such a short time. That’s why when people are so amazed that celebrities seem to dash right through adoption issues, I know it can be done. The couple who adopted my son weren’t wealthy, just good people who would be loving, honest, caring parents.

I think people who judge adoptive parent’s suitability for this role can sense when the situation is right. God moves too! When I first began searching for adoptive parents, I sent letters out to all the adoptive agencies I knew around the country asking them for parents who would fit the criteria of what I was looking for.

When I had exhausted that route, I sent out letters to all my friends at various churches around the country asking them to refer good people to my attorney for consideration. It was through one of those letters that a couple attending my friend’s church in Texas remembered Amy & Jeff, my adoptive couple, from a Bible Study they had attended with them years back.

They contacted Amy and told her about me. She called Jeff who was doing military duty in Florida and said, “How’d you like to adopt a child?” Now they were content with being childless, but there was always a part of them that had wanted a child. They knew that when the time was right, God would bring them a child.

There was nothing physically wrong with either of them, they just weren’t able to conceive naturally. Rather than go through in vitro, they just waited on God. Jeff is a tall, handsome African-American man, and Amy is a petite, attractive blonde woman. I had had a vision of both of them (faceless, but their other physical characteristics very vivid in my head) when I was sending out letters around the country which I normally never have.

However, I do have very vivid dreams! This morning I dreamt that a very handsome, dark almost Italian looking man gave me the best bear hug ever when he saw me. It was hard to wake up after that dream!

Back to my story. Okay, so Amy and Jeff are contacted out of the blue to adopt a child they’ve never met and have never prepared for. That’s what is so amazing to me! There were so many couples I read their profiles whose whole lives revolved around wanting children in their lives. Amy & Jeff were content either way which I really liked that about them.

I didn’t want a couple who would idealize my child because that puts a lot of pressure on a child. I also wanted an inter-racial couple because I knew Eli would have an easier time of it if he didn’t feel even more out of place in a family that really didn’t look like him. What’s so weird is that Eli looks so much like Amy and Jeff people never even think to ask if he’s adopted which I think is great!

I really couldn’t ask for better adoptive parents. They’re secure in our relationship and their relationship with Eli. We get along really well. I love them and am so happy I found them. God is good!

That’s why going back to Harvest Home this past weekend and seeing what my life was like only 9 years ago; then finding A Window Between Worlds again after all the time; driving down my old street and looking for places there was so mind-blowing. It’s like God feels I’m ready to deal with all this emotion and can move beyond it now.

What was so interesting about visiting A Window Between Worlds yesterday is that the walls are covered with art and now I represent Gali Rotstein, a fine artist! Never in a million years would I ever have said my life would lead to art, but here I am.

I guess working with Gali is another way to heal because she appreciates and respects my work when some others haven’t in the past. That is important to me with the people I choose to work with. I need to feel like they will ultimately become friends because I look at each relationship in a long-term fashion and I only like working with friends!

I’ve tried working for people who don’t want to be friends and it’s just too disheartening and defeating. I can’t do it. My work is part of my life and my life is part of my work so it has to mesh. So, there you have it.

I need to run, but thanks for stopping by… More client news soon!

By Joy A. Kennelly

Seeing as this IS my personal blog, although I’ve been putting more of my professional and political stuff on here for higher visibility, I feel like getting personal seeing as the new reality show, Find My Family, is airing tonight for the first time after Dancing with the Stars.

Also, since I haven’t been allowed to speak to my son ever since the adoptive parents dropped an emotional bombshell about Eli’s feelings about his birth father on me in a recent conversation and are most likely reacting out of fear, I need to share what I’m going through as a birthmother because I know many adoptive parents are clueless as to how their actions deeply, deeply, deeply affect those of us in open adoptions that they choose not to honor.

I wasn’t planning to, but after going through Stephen R. Covey’s The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People training today, I just feel compelled to be honest with what I’m experiencing in my open adoption in hopes it will help a reader who needs to hear my story – even if nothing positive happens in my own personal situation.

(For the record, my friend, Adoption Psychologist/Author, Marlou Russell, explained to me is that “it is natural for adoptees to be angry at a birth parent and show those feelings. Sometimes it is about the adoption, sometimes it is about something else.” I believe it was something else, but that’s neither here nor there. I’ve been on adoption panels with her and attended her adoption seminars which I highly, highly recommend. I completely trust her insights and perspective since she’s also an adoptee and has lived what she counsels.)

I just want adoptees to be aware that many times it’s not their birth parents who don’t want to speak or spend time with them, it’s the adoptive parents who shut off the relationship because of their own issues. But I’m sure many adoptees already know that and have guilt feelings for even wanting a relationship with their biological parents.

To be fair, I’m sure there are great adoptive parents too. I’m sure there are plenty of wonderful open adoptions too. But to be real, there are many that aren’t. We just don’t hear about those as much unless it’s some drastic ripping of a child from an adoptive parent by a birth parent which is generally very rare.

That’s why I think tonight’s Find My Family show is going to strike a real emotional chord for many people in the adoption triad – adoptee, adoptive parents, and birth parents. And those who have lost touch with loved ones and relatives. (For a laugh, read people’s comments though.:))

I placed my son in an adoption ten years ago with the understanding it would be open, not closed, as the adoptive parents erroneously, wrongly and falsely are choosing to do right now and frequently have tried to do in the past. I even had to bring in an adoption counselor to validate my claims my involvement in his life helps, doesn’t hurt Eli and his self-esteem.

However, since that last counseling appointment was back when he was three, apparently they’ve forgotten. What’s so difficult is I’m not the only birthmother to experience this heartache over an adoption.

I distinctly remember one birthmother I spoke to years ago who was told by the potential adoptive parents she would have an open adoption only to find as soon as she signed over her rights, the parents disappeared with her child never to be heard from again.

I’m sure there are many other horror stories, but you don’t hear about them because the adoptive parents are so much more in the forefront of this issue and are more visible.

I also remember listening to a couple who were considering adopting saying they wanted a foreign baby because then they would never have to deal with the birth parents. It cut me to the quick to hear that. To think that birthparents could be discarded so easily and callously as long as the adoptive parents got what they wanted – a healthy baby – was rather shocking.

What are we? Surrogates? Non-entities? Just a uterus? I don’t get it. Never have, never will. I am a woman who gave birth to your child at great sacrifice. I have to turn over my feelings to God about this on almost a daily basis when I’m in the midst of the adoptive parent’s painful actions. Sometimes it’s easier than others.

Today, I’m ok. A few weekends ago? Not so much.

I know I should have heard the adoptive father when he said he wanted to write a book about adoption and the last page of the book would be the child being told they would meet their birth parent when they were older.

However, when you’re pregnant, it’s a week before your child is to be born and then adopted by that very person and you were promised an open adoption, you have a tendency to believe that person will honor their word and has the same concept of open adoption as you do.

Not true.

The adoptive parents had one month to prepare for our adoption whereas I had six months to research, read books on adoption and undergo intensive counseling to better understand my decision and what open adoption would mean to me which I assumed they understood as well.

Apparently their attorney’s version of an open adoption is drastically different than my version – in fact, it’s more closed than open to be honest. No pictures, very little contact, etc, etc, etc. Back when I did my open adoption there weren’t any laws in place to protect birthmothers from these type of wrong actions, although the law has changed apparently.

Of course, one year after my personal open adoption leaving me with no legal recourse, but I knew that going in and accepted my fate trusting the parents to be honest and fair feeling they would have Eli’s best interests at heart above their own insecurities and fears.

Another of my good friends who worked with an adoption agency and has always been very supportive of me and what I go through in this adoption, once I told her what’s been going on lately, said this is just another example of why an agency adoption is superior to an attorney adoption since potential parents must undergo counseling when with an agency.

She said she can’t believe the amount of adoptive parents who live under the fear the birthparents are going to come in and take their child back. I personally don’t get that since I gave birth and voluntarily chose to abdicate my rights to this child (with the understanding we would be able to stay in touch because I never wanted my son to doubt my choosing adoption out of love, or my love for him.)

I honor my commitments and my word. I don’t know any other way. That’s why this betrayal by the adoptive parents hurts so deeply. I assumed they would do the same and I’ve been proven wrong over and over again. Living with this back-and-forth for ten years is wearing on a person which is why I’m choosing to speak out now.

Not to say there haven’t been good times, but there’s always a feeling of obligation, not happiness over this relationship I have with their child despite his love for me and desire to have me in his life. What’s that saying about doing the same thing and expecting different responses? Insanity.

I finally snapped recently and called them sobbing about my feelings over everything which of course, they have chosen to ignore since that’s how they handle everything they don’t know what to do with. Everything’s fine, just pretend everything’s fine, ignore it, smiles, and everything will be fine. Nothing’s wrong.

Well, it is.

There are times I want to just walk away and forget this heartache completely, but then I remember I’m not staying involved for the adoptive parents. I’m doing it for the mental health of my son – to give him confidence that I love him (no matter how much these people hurt me to do this by withholding gifts I send him until he asks why I’m not contacting him and then they finally give to him months afterward to appease him; refusing to allow me to speak to him despite numerous calls to catch them when they might be available and their promises to return my calls when I have brought it up with them in the past which they break over and over again; refusing to allow me to see him when I’m traveling close due to the Inauguration until the last minute when it’s not possible due to the crowds, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc)

I’m writing about this now because the anger is gone. All I have is resignation. That, and hope that the birth father will be able to get through to them the need for us all to be in touch with Eli as he grows, develops and deals with his adoption. It’s what is best for him no matter how much they want to deny it.

After ten years of no communication with the birthfather (who is now happily married with a child of his own) through a mutual friend, he contacted me via email after hearing about Eli’s pride in his Nigerian heritage, his pride in being adopted, and Eli’s anger at him because he didn’t think he cared since this man has never reached out before.

After getting over my initial shock, I wrote back and explained what I’ve dealt with for the entire ten years of this adoption and wished him well in reaching out to the adoptive parents. Who knows? Maybe it’s time for Eli to have a relationship with his biological father and maybe it’s time for the adoptive parent to work through their own personal issues surrounding this adoption through counseling.

I’m just tired of being among the silent majority in an adoption and pretending like nothing’s wrong in this adoptive relationship because it’s false. There are issues inherent in any relationship you have in your life. It’s just more difficult when you’re negotiating for a chance to love the child you naturally love and know loves you back.

It really shouldn’t be this difficult. Especially when the parents proclaim to love God and live a Christian life which is one of the reasons I selected them out of all the people I could have chosen. It just doesn’t make sense. Where’s their integrity in all this?

What was interesting is that this past Sunday when I went to request prayer for this whole situation I ironically had a pastor pray for me who is also an adoptive parent – he knew immediately what I was going through and prayed for the parents to remember I John 4:18,

“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.”

I have real peace over everything right now. Have to admit, this heartache over what’s going on has been why I haven’t been writing very much lately. I needed to make sure that when I did there was no anger, just facts. I also didn’t want to write about it, but for some reason felt compelled once I heard about the Find My Family show.

I hope you understand my adoption a little better now as a result of my sharing too. I hope if the adoptive parents read this they will hear me too. One can dream…

I will leave you with this funny story because it hasn’t been all doom and gloom.

Immediately after my adoption, I flew to NC for a vacation with a friend and used the time to pitch myself to work in NYC with a PR firm. I found a freelance consulting gig rather quickly, flew up there and soon rented a place to stay with a young girl from a friend’s church.

I’ll never forget shopping the streets of New York with her, sharing about my open adoption and her funny response. She was so naive she asked me, “Well, when do you get him back?” She figured since it was an open adoption I would get him back when I was back on my feet, or whenever I wanted.

I had to laugh and explain it’s permanent. I chose this family to raise my son for me since it wasn’t the right time for me to be a parent.

I believed that then. I believe it now.

No matter how poorly they treat me and no matter how much they don’t want to believe I would NEVER ever try to take Eli back, I would never do that. I just wouldn’t. I committed to this situation and will remain committed to the very end… no matter the cost to me personally.

And despite being one of the heaviest emotional, spiritual, physical and professional costs I have ever lived through. I lived through it!

And I keep my word. I haven’t wanted to write about this, but felt the need to set the record straight and to share a birthmother’s perspective since our side is usually ignored in adoption stories and the media.

For those of you considering open adoption, in an open adoption, or dealing with issues from an open adoption, again, a little advice from my good friend/Adoption Counselor/Author Marlou Russell: “A good book to read is Lois Melina and Sharon Kaplan Roszia’s [The] Open Adoption [Experience: A Complete Guide for Adoptive and Birth Families.]
They cover many issues. Sharon has an office in Santa Ana – The Kinship Center that has groups and individual counseling and deals with these issues all the time.”

And that’s all. I want to write a fun blog next. Just felt like sharing in hopes this will give you a better understanding of adoption and birthparents.

Or at least me.

We are not the enemy.

By Joy A. Kennelly

I love this show, Find My Family – corny to some of you I know (and manipulative to others too – click the first link for EW’s review), but it’s so special to me since I’m involved intimately in adoption. I just love seeing how caring the hosts are, how loving all the families are when they find each other, and how happy the child and biological parents are to have a relationship after all these years.

I can only hope to have a relationship again with my son sooner than later. I did receive a cute hand-written postcard from him (and his parents) telling me he liked my gift of pop-eyed pens (he likes to pop the eyes out regularly. Found a picture to show you because they’re really cute cartoon rubber animal heads on pens I picked up at Staples — the eyes pop out when you squeeze the head. lol Boys…)

It always makes me laugh at what he likes of what I send him because I normally send quite a variety of stuff including t-shirts etc. He’s a cutie! So happy the parents were kind enough to at least do that. I’ll just have to be patient about actually getting to speak to him. He is getting older and may realize soon he can actually ask to speak to me, or just call himself.:)

I love how Find My Family brings families together. There’s enough love for everyone people! Don’t be afraid of sharing – kids need to know their roots. The future will sort out itself.

I know one biological mother who met her child when he was an adult and he was so spoiled and disrespectful she ended a relationship with him to preserve her sanity.

Not that everyone is like her, but it’s definitely very personal on how you choose to handle the connection and your choice in how you handle a present relationship. For every person who reacts like this, there are others who maintain a loving relationship.

Right? Right.

Have a good one.

I normally don’t like using this WordPress, but since I’ll be giving a talk on blogging in a few weeks I thought I’d refresh my memory on how it works and post some pertinent posts on my views on adoption over here since they fit better than in my other blog. Plus, sometimes it’s nice to have a fresh slate to write on where your normal readers aren’t following you. A little more freedom to think aloud so to speak.

I’ll be right back with those posts and then new observations in a moment. Thanks for popping by.

JOY A. KENNELLY

Copyright NOVEMBER 12, 2004

OVERVIEW

Rose Vista is the only maternity home in Los Angeles dedicated to helping women considering adoption.

I lived there my first year after my son was born and placed in adoption. I felt loved, accepted and understood. Jane Bright, the executive director, has a heart like no one else for the women who come through Rose Vista. I don’t know how I would have survived that first year without her love and support.

That’s why I’m speaking tonight. It’s not easy to relive painful memories, but my hope is that you can see that through sorrow there is joy; through loss there is gain and through faith there is hope.

MY BACKGROUND

My name is Joy Kennelly. Although we hear many stories of women who choose adoption who are teen-agers, uneducated, poor, and substance abusers, I am college-educated. I’ve been named Who’s Who in American Universities, Who’s Who in Information Technology, Who’s Who in America and Who’s Who in the World. I rarely drink, don’t smoke, and don’t do drugs. I am white and was raised in an upper middle class background. With all that, why did I choose adoption over having an abortion or single parenting?

REASONS FOR CHOOSING ADOPTION

There are many reasons. 1. It wasn’t the right time for me to parent. 2. Abortion was not an option. 3. There was no family support available for me. 4. I wanted my son to have a strong male role-model and a consistent dad which I didn’t feel the birthfather would be able to be at that time 5. I wanted my son to have all the advantages a stable home life provides.

Now some may think I’ve listed some selfish reasons – I wasn’t ready to be a parent – who ever is? But I really wasn’t ready. At the time I got pregnant, I was in my early 30′s and producing a short film festival that never made any money, but gave me a lot of acclaim which was very important to me at the time. I met the birthfather when he volunteered for my festival.

MY PREGNANCY

He thought I had my life together and that I was going someplace. I had broken up six months prior with someone I’d been with for three years and I was very lonely. The birthfather on the surface might seem like someone I should be with – he is an award-winning writer, a natural athlete, very intelligent and a very interesting Nigerian. I had lived in Africa as a teenager which drew me to him. On the surface he looked great, but he was more of a financial, spiritual and emotional mess than I was.

After knowing each other for two weeks, one thing lead to another and I became pregnant. Believe it or not, I was shocked because my former boyfriend and I had never used contraceptives. I’d never gotten pregnant which made me think it wouldn’t happen this time either. I’ve since learned.

For three months I lived in denial hoping and praying that I would miscarry. I kept my focus on fulfilling my commitment to my film festival because I didn’t want to think about being pregnant. On top of this, I had the stress of being a disappointment to my parents because I am the second daughter to have a baby out of wedlock.

LIVING IN A SHELTER

After telling my parents, I realized that I was on my own with my pregnancy. I moved into my first maternity shelter called Harvest Home soon after. I was surrounded by girls from the ghetto, a former stripper, and others I’d never come in contact with before in my daily life. I felt really out of place, yet at peace. All the women were choosing to raise their unborn children. I was the only one considering adoption. However, we all soon became fast friends.

Every Friday we would have group therapy. When I mentioned I was considering adoption, one girl came up to me afterward to share her photo album from her adoption. Her son was 10 and she had never met him, but kept in contact with the parents.

Another acquaintance who volunteered at the home shared about her open adoption experience with me too. She had placed her child with relatives. She actually had visits with her son and also received pictures.

PURSUING ADOPTION

It was then that I began to see how adoption might work for me too. My festival ended successfully. Actor Eriq La Salle came and was honored. MTV, HBO, and William Morris agents scouted my films. I was riding high professionally, but I was ignoring the very real baby within me.

As soon as the festival was over I was left with myself and my pregnancy. I began focusing all my time and energy on researching adoption. I met with counselors, attorneys, agencies and began filling out the reams of paperwork required. I learned all about my family’s medical history through this process.

I went with an agency for a little while. I can remember just sobbing into the phone to my counselor how much I wanted my old life back. I didn’t want to continue living like this.

SEARCHING FOR THE RIGHT FAMILY

I began looking at potential parents’ profiles trying to find the right couple. I turned my search and research into a full-time job. I had major complications in my 5th month and had to have an operation where I could have lost my child. I can remember telling my mom, “I know I’m not keeping this baby, but I don’t want him to die.”

The surgery was successful. After a brief stay with my parents while I recuperated, I went back to Harvest Home determined more than ever to find a couple. One of the attorneys I met with had me fill out a questionaire listing the top ten qualities I was looking for in a couple. I remember narrowing it down to three (Christian, inter-racially married, and would love my biracial child). I began calling attorneys all over the country asking if they had any couples with those qualities. One New York attorney told me, “You’re never going to find that.” I hung up the phone sobbing because he’d been doing adoptions for so long I believed him.

Then I called Doug Donnelly, the attorney I ended up going with, who told me, “Joy, God has a family out there for your child. He will not let you down.” I clung to that statement through the upcoming months after not finding anyone. I think towards the end even Doug was beginning to wonder if he’d find someone for me.

One day I wrote 11 letters to churches, adoption agencies, and friends across the country asking for help in finding a family. As I was writing I had a vision of the couple I saw adopting my baby. It was a tall black man and a petite blonde woman. I kept that image in the back of my mind while I continued to look.

The adoption counselor even began to ask if I wanted to raise my child after all. She gave me an assignment to spend time thinking and living like I was going to single parent.

By this time all the girls in the home were involved with me on my search. I had begun to give up hope of ever finding a couple that would fit any of the criteria I was looking for.

SURRENDER

One day, I was involved in an arts therapy presentation for a Television newscast. The therapist lead us in her guided arts project for battered women while they filmed our hands. All of a sudden I began to sob. The leader stopped everything to take me outside to comfort me. She gave me paper and pen and encouraged me to express my feelings in writing because I was crying so hard I couldn’t talk.

I wrote pages and pages and finally surrendered to God to raise this child if this is what He really wanted for me. That day I walked home and received a package from Amy and Jeff, the couple I eventually chose to raise my child. Looking back later I found that they had fulfilled all ten qualifications I had been looking for all along.

CHOOSING AMY & JEFF TO PARENT MY SON

I resisted making the final decision because I loved the child growing inside of me more and more. After much prayer and counseling and questioning Amy & Jeff extensively, I chose adoption for my son. I knew this was the right thing for us. We have what’s called an open adoption. I see him once a year. I get frequent pictures. I can call whenever I want. A day doesn’t go by that I don’t think of him.

Although he is being raised by someone else he will always be my son to me. We don’t forget our children. They will always be a part of us. I have rarely regretted my decision although it’s taken me years to heal from the loss. Adoption is like a death. It’s not an easy decision.

CONCLUSION

There’s a reason why you only see a few women living at Rose Vista when all the other maternity homes in Los Angeles are full. Society encourages women to single parent or abort. However, adoption is another option. Jane and Rose Vista stand in that gap and offer a valuable service to those women who choose to make this difficult life choice.

I will always be grateful for the love and friendship I have received from Jane and Rose Vista over the years. I hope you will continue to bless this ministry above and beyond this evening. I hope too, you will walk away with a better understanding of adoption and the sacrifice each woman makes with her choice. Adoption isn’t easy, but it is a third option I hope more will consider.

Thank you for listening.

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Went to Rolling Hills to watch the inspirational surf film, but got so turned around trying to find it I was really late arriving and it was “maxed out” according to the door guy. I was pretty bummed because I was really looking forward to seeing it, but turns out I was meant to help my mom instead.

She called to tell me she was at the emergency room because she’d had a pain in her ribs that her nurse friend thought needed checking out. I ended up sitting with her for an hour while she had x-rays, an EKG, and check-up.

She and I always have a good time together regardless of where we are and tonight was no exception. I always try to make her laugh to take her mind off the seriousness of her situation and kept teasing her which cracked us both up.

We began to feel guilty because we were in emergency and people were in a lot of pain. The other funny thing we do is that one of us will tell the other a poignant story and then we’ll both get choked up and teary eyed together.

Mom told me that last Sunday her Sunday School teacher was discussing how to talk to people who have either lost a loved one, or are dying. Apparently there’s quite a few people in her class that have become widowed, or are dying which is sad. That made both of us sad and we just sat there crying together until we started laughing because we were making each other sad.

You probably had to be there.

The doctor came and checked her out. He thought she was good, but when he checked her x-ray – boom. It was pneumonia! I’m so glad she went to the hospital because I thought her cough and sickness sounded more serious than her other doctor she’d visited earlier in the week let on.

She got a shot to the bum and then we left. Apparently she’s still good to travel and I was able to change my flight so… Miami here we come!

Now I’m excited. I’ve set up some fun times with my GoChi friend Mauricio and told him I want to meet all his single friends. Should be fun. Mom and I will hang during the day and then I’ll go out at night with everyone else.

It’s about time! I’m dying living here in HB. I just don’t have going out friends down here and it’s getting a little old. The good thing about having mom along is that I won’t be tempted to bring a guy home!:) I’m being a good girl, but sometimes even good girls slip.

That’s why I have a son. Whoops! But he was a happy accident if I can say that. He makes me happy and I hope I make him happy too. Next trip is to visit him hopefully.

We shall see! I’m going to hustle while I’m in Miami because it’s time to kick some booty biz-wise. Okay, that’s all for now!

Have a good one.

Since last writing my bronchitis is almost completely cured. Yeah! Went to the doctor today and got more medicine to help with the final stages. I feel SOOOO much better it’s not even funny. Thank you God in heaven for Z-packs and loving friends who care.

My poor mom now has caught this and is so sick we’re not going to be able to travel to Miami this weekend after all! Bummer, but kind of a relief too because I still have a lot of stuff to do and there’s lots of fun activities I would have missed leaving now.

It’s weird, but every time I’m planning a trip I always get a sense whether or not it will really happen, or if I will make other plans. I felt that way about my Mexico plans and same with Miami. When it’s right, everything just falls into place and I feel it happening. I can visualize my vacation and try as I might, I never visualized this trip to Florida.

On another note… My mom always surprises me. Every time I think she too has given up on a relationship with Elijah, she reaches out with love and a hand-sewn gift for him that lets me know she still thinks of him and cares too.

I don’t know as Eli really knows what to make of her because she’s rather sporadic in her contact. When she asked him if he knew who she was he said, You’re Joy’s mom. Then, when she said I’m your grandma, he got real quiet. However, they had a very pleasant conversation and he was quite entertaining.

He sure wasn’t quiet when speaking to me today! I wasn’t able to call him on his birthday and decided to try and reach him today. I got the machine and left a message not expecting a response. Imagine my pleasant surprise when I hear this little voice saying, Hello Joy, thank you for calling to wish me a happy birthday.

Yes! Eli called me (probably with his parent’s help of course since he’s only 9 – thank you Amy & Jeff!) and he’s a little firecracker! We laughed and talked like no time at all had passed between us. When he asked when I was coming out to see him again I was able to explain that since I’ve been sick and not able to work as much as I need to to afford to come see him that’s why I haven’t made plans to do so.

I didn’t tell him that I had kind of decided not to see him because of everything and I’m glad I didn’t. I really do want to see him. Unfortunately though, I don’t know when it will be now. I don’t even know when my Miami trip will happen either!

The only reason I was able to plan that was because I have a free flight from getting bumped and my mom had covered the timeshare. However, God always works things out. Maybe I’ll go to visit him now that the invitation is out there again.

I really do love that little guy. He reminds me of me because he’s so fun and full of life and excitement. Not that you probably think I have that in me right now since I’ve been kind of down, but when I’m happy, which is how I’m beginning to feel again now that I feel better, I do have fun and enthusiasm to share with people.

I just love that he loves me too. Every time I think he’s forgotten me, or doesn’t love me, all I need to do is hear him ask when I’m coming to visit and I know he does. I really thrive on his unconditional love for me. I hope he knows how much I love him too. God is faithful in our relationship is all I’ve got to say.

Lately I’ve just really missed having someone to love in my life and give love to. I was doing real well, but every time I don’t feel well I wish I had someone to care for me in sickness and in health. I have been asking for a lot of prayer about this lately too because it’s just hard being single. No ifs, ands, or buts about it.

I went to my old church’s women’s retreat this past Saturday and was really blessed by the love and support all those women gave to me. It was a really special day filled with lovely food, gifts, and fellowship. Nancee, the hostess, has a beautiful home and garden that was a perfect setting for spending personal time with God.

At the end of the leader’s message (on pride no less – talk about conviction!), people were invited to come sit on a chair in front and be prayed for. Of course I totally went forward and asked for prayer for my health and my relationship desires. We shall see!

Then tonight at my last night of my Bay Cities Bible Study, it was a very loving and giving time too. I just love Beth Moore’s study on Believing God. God is good!

And with that, I leave you.

Remember God loves you and so do I!

Yesterday I received an email via my myspace page from a young woman I had lived with at Harvest Home named Edie I have lost touch with for the past seven years.

She had pimped her myspace site out all gangsta which cracked me up because she’s the hardest working, loving mother I know. She should be. She has four little boys now.

It was so wonderful to hear from her after all this time. The time of my pregnancy was one of the hardest times of my life for so many reasons. I was living in a maternity home (shelter) along with up to 9 other single pregnant woman at one time.

I was living on welfare while producing my short film festival and lost friends over my decision to choose adoption. My parents weren’t always supportive although I know they loved me, just didn’t get it.

I remember being so happy to find a place to live where I could just relax and be pregnant without condemnation that I sent all my friends the Harvest Home newsletter with a sticky attached saying “I’m pregnant and living here now. Donate please.”

Or something like that. I’ve always been pro-fundraising even when it’s for me! LOL

That maternity home actually still exists in Venice, CA and every so often I go to their reunions. However, generally none of the women I lived with are there.

That’s why it was so nice to hear from Edie. We’ve been corresponding via myspace the past couple of days which has been fun. I finally called her tonight and we had fun reminiscing.

I told her I remembered taking her cutie pie little baby boy and sitting him on my lap to take a picture to send to my friends to say he was my child. That made us both laugh because he’s black and I’m white.

She promised to find some of the pictures and just wrote me to say check out her myspace page. I’ve added the link to our time together at Harvest Home.

I so remember this time of my life and it’s so nice of her to take the time to post the pictures. Check ‘em out. Her little boy was/is such a cutie. He’s doing so well in school – honor roll!

There were about five of us who had babies all around the same time and we used to get together to celebrate each child’s bday. I think that’s what some of these pix are from.

I was the only one who chose adoption which was difficult during certain periods of time, but these women, no girls at that time, just loved and accepted me. I’ll never forget or turn my back on any of them when they contact me.

We used to have group therapy together, birthing class, sewing, and we used to take turns cooking for the entire house. When it was your turn to cook you not only chose the meal and prepared it for 10 people while very pregnant, you also were responsible for all the clean-up afterwards. That was so exhausting! I didn’t mind cooking, but I hated cleaning up.

I used to get real sick and often was in the hospital on iv’s because of the flu, or other sicknesses. I remember being real sick over Christmas and New Years.

All of us girls got real close. We fought, we laughed, we cried, we cared and we loved each other’s children. I still love those children even though I don’t see them.

What was funny tonight is that Edie said her boyfriend wanted to know who that white girl was in her picture collection. That made me laugh out loud.

I used to live with ghetto girls (I used to tease them so I think it’s ok to still say that…!:))- the other white girl, Sunny, was a former stripper, and Renee, was a hippie girl from Santa Cruz.

Really great girls and I will always love them. They helped me through a very difficult time in my life and for their support and love then and now, I will always be grateful.

Made me cry to look at the old pictures from so long ago which is why I just had to share. So many people today don’t even know my life story, or what I’ve been through.

That’s fine, but it’s also nice to connect with people who do. My son celebrates his birthday this Monday which I think is making me very sentimental.

I read a book called Whatever Makes You Happy about three English mums who go to live with their adult sons and the havoc they create. It’s a rather clever read – the English version and I enjoyed it.

Turns out the one gay son had fathered a child for his lesbian friend. When his mother found out about the child, she was overjoyed with love for this baby she’d never met and promptly went out and bought all kinds of gifts.

Then she went and sat outside the home until the mother came out with the newborn baby.She strikes up a conversation and then reveals she’s the grandmother.

This part made me cry because this woman wouldn’t take no for an answer and forced the relationship which, in the book, turned out very nicely.

Made me realize I’ve given up on my son. Why? I don’t know. However, reading that book and talking to Edie tonight makes me realize my heart still isn’t closed to my son. It never will be no matter how much I want to pretend that it is.

You just can’t walk away from your own flesh and blood without feeling pain. I think I’m going to sleep on this. Still very tired and the medicine I’m taking for my bronchitis isn’t helping as much as I would have hoped.

I could have pneumonia after all. I sure hope not, but all signs seem to point in that direction. Doesn’t help that my friend just informed me that someone she knows who had walking pneumonia died over it!

Needless to say, I’ll be going to the doctors, and maybe another doctor for a 2nd opinion if I’m not better by the time this Z-pack is completed.

Okay, that’s all. Just felt like sharing. I just had a lot of emotions come up after seeing those pictures from Edie and speaking to her. Thanks for reading.